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dealing with mixed emotions

Posted by survadvo , 15 June 2012 · 94 views

I started a new journey on the 1st of April 2011. A journey which would leave me in the place I am now. On that day I made that phone call to the police and reported what had happened to me. On the 24th of may 2012 he was found guilty. It's been a hard long struggle. I thought that once the court case was over no matter the out come I would be "better" but im not and for the first time I've realised that I have quite a way to go yet (but im getting there) and it may not be easy. I brought some books today, I don't even know if I want to read them but in a few weeks they will be here. One thing I have noticed about the whole court process although it helped me come to terms of what happened to me, it was one of the most traumatic experiences I have ever been through.

he made me relive the abuse,
he (and his defence barrister) called me a liar,
he stood less than 5 feet away from me,
he only got guilty on half the charges (how can a jury say some happened others didn't ! they all happened and more that I had repressed that are now coming out !),
he stopped me from being able to talk to people about the experience as they were all witnesses,
he stopped me from being able to approach therapists as they may be accused of coaching me for court,
he stopped me being able to get help at all in case the defence used it against me.

The biggest kick in the teeth ...... after the "dust has settled" I thought it would be over and I'll be better and everything would be OK. Its not quite like that. I still struggle daily, things are worse and I'm needing the most support I've ever needed but I haven't lost.

I have taken my life back
I have gone for therapy; there is no one to tell me otherwise
I have helped to protect other vulnerable people and children
I have justice
I can ask for help and I'm getting it
I have been able to tell my story
I have been believed
I can start a journey of self discovery
I can be me again

Its no longer about him its about me ! He took my voice I took it back ! He took all the power ... well now its my empowerment to get my life back !

I am a survivor

You are indeed a survivor. You are incredibly brave to have gone through all this.

Thank you for the kind words :)

July 2016

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