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The Countdown Continues

Posted by tpatt2008 , 20 June 2012 · 13 views

Week 4 is rapidly approaching...

It seems like I'm always counting down the days until something happens or counting the days since something happened.

My bf and I broke up today. Most of me wanted to. We broke up for a lot of reasons. I still love him, and I probably always will. Maybe we'll be together again, when he comes back from war.

Stupid war. Ruined everything.
Stupid party that night. Ruined what was left.

It's too late. I know what's about to happen to me. I told my step mom today. I tell her pretty much everything. The one time I just needed her to listen, she was upset because I won't tell my dad. I've never told my dad anything. Why would this be different? She's worried because I'm out here alone. I've been alone before. Yeah, it's hard, but I'm handling it. And so what if I couldn't handle it?! It's none of their fucking business. He wasn't there when the shit jumped off when I was a kid, why the fuck would I tell him now that I'm a fucking adult. Everyone can just go fuck themselves. Damn. They're just gonna make me feel guiltier than I already feel. My dad would be pissed that it happened while I was drunk and I'd never hear the end of it. Fuck that. It's not like it's never happened to me sober. It's still the same, just a little more confusing and painful this way. For me anyway. Especially since it cost me my bf.

Soon I'll be sleeping with random guys because that's the one thing I can control in all of this. And I can't hurt my bf like that...That's not the reason we ended. But it's just something that I realized is probably going to happen. When things got bad last time, I went from 3 in four years to, I don't know, 14 or 15 in 2 semesters. 9 months. Not even a whole fucking year. I'm not gonna let that happen again. I just need a hug, some company, a little laughter. We all know none of that is free though. I learned that a looong time ago. You pay for it one way or another...

It doesn't help though. Sleeping around. I don't remember it helping. I felt empowered for like a day and then I just felt dirty.

I'm tired of crying. If I'm going to continue living I have to get out of bed and stop crying.

He says he wanted me to stand by him...I thought I was. Smh, I don't know what else I could've done to let him know that I didn't want anyone else.

I did everything but take his last name. And I can't even do that....

Okay. I may be a little bit bitter about that last part, but that's neither here nor there. I knew that coming in.

I just want someone to help me feel normal. I know women get raped all the time, that's almost a rite of passage now, but I just want to feel...special? I don't know I want to feel anything other than what I'm feeling right now. Listening to sad love songs and avoiding the bottle of wine in the fridge. I know drinking doesn't solve anything, but it gives me something else to feel. Doesn't he get that?

I wanted to be strong for us, but he's right, we need some distance. We can love each other from afar right? I don't need to be his girlfriend to feel like he's my soulmate. Nothing can change everything I've shared with him. I let myself be transparent and vulnerable with him. Other than that, I don't know what else I could've done to prove to him that he's the one. Maybe not just lay there while two guys fucked me... Okay, he's got me there.

sigh. it will get better. it always does. I just don't know what I'm going to do without him. No one was there for me like him. I don't think I can replace that.

Okay...I'm making myself go to a play tonight. I guess I should eat and shower, yeah?

October 2015

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