I've never been beaten. I know that's not what rape is, but I think that would make it more legitimate for me. If there had been a fight, some sort of physical abuse, more crying. I'm complicated. I complicate things.
I've just learned to go with it.
Try explaining that to your boyfriend without it sounding like cheating. If you figure out a way, please let me know.
It's like I'm starting all over again. Like it's going to keep happening to me until I figure out the correct way to respond. Clearly, I'm doing something wrong. I must be. It just keeps happening and happening.
Maybe I like it....? Nope. Don't wanna walk through that door.
A week ago today was when the most recent incident happened. I was drunk. I thought I was with people I could trust. I trusted strangers because I was drunk. And because I was lonely. And because I was missing my friends. You should know I just moved out here, across the country. I'm starting over. Again.
Anyway. He said I wanted it. I don't feel like I wanted it, but maybe I'm confused. His friend was just ignorant [and horny], he says. That's why he joined in. I definitely know I didn't want that. I'm sure of that.
But I didn't say no. I didn't fight or anything. I just went with it. Encouraged them really. Went through all the motions. I keep telling myself it was because I wanted it over with faster. I barely understand what that means so how could I expect someone else to?
I'm usually a much better writer than this. Honest.
I'm just wondering, if I never fight, does that really make me a survivor? If, even when I'm sober, I just lay there and take it, am I really worthy of being here? Amongst all of you? You all are so strong, so brave. Fierce. Just for being here. For fighting. For continuing to survive. Me? I'm here too, I guess. I'm here. But I'm just kind of blending in.