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One Week

Posted by tpatt2008 , 01 June 2012 · 7 views

I've only read two other blogs and already I feel like I shouldn't be here. I've been grappling with being a "survivor" for years. What have I really survived? Compared to some stories, mine was a walk in the park. I feel so out of place here, and yet yesterday, when I signed up, I wanted so badly to be apart of this community. Feels like I'm trying too hard.

I've never been beaten. I know that's not what rape is, but I think that would make it more legitimate for me. If there had been a fight, some sort of physical abuse, more crying. I'm complicated. I complicate things.

I've just learned to go with it.

Try explaining that to your boyfriend without it sounding like cheating. If you figure out a way, please let me know.

It's like I'm starting all over again. Like it's going to keep happening to me until I figure out the correct way to respond. Clearly, I'm doing something wrong. I must be. It just keeps happening and happening.

Maybe I like it....? Nope. Don't wanna walk through that door.

Idk.

A week ago today was when the most recent incident happened. I was drunk. I thought I was with people I could trust. I trusted strangers because I was drunk. And because I was lonely. And because I was missing my friends. You should know I just moved out here, across the country. I'm starting over. Again.

Anyway. He said I wanted it. I don't feel like I wanted it, but maybe I'm confused. His friend was just ignorant [and horny], he says. That's why he joined in. I definitely know I didn't want that. I'm sure of that.

But I didn't say no. I didn't fight or anything. I just went with it. Encouraged them really. Went through all the motions. I keep telling myself it was because I wanted it over with faster. I barely understand what that means so how could I expect someone else to?

I'm usually a much better writer than this. Honest.

I'm just wondering, if I never fight, does that really make me a survivor? If, even when I'm sober, I just lay there and take it, am I really worthy of being here? Amongst all of you? You all are so strong, so brave. Fierce. Just for being here. For fighting. For continuing to survive. Me? I'm here too, I guess. I'm here. But I'm just kind of blending in.



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CrazyCatLady
Jun 01 2012 07:32 PM
Honey, you're still a survivor if you never tried to fight. we're conditioned from earliest age not to fight back, or create a scene. this disassociation is your mind's way of protecting you from situations you can't deal with right now. if you've been through this before, ANY sexual situation is likely to trigger this response. Unfortunately, many men will interpret no resistance as a green light instead of seeking active permission.

When my husband raped me i couldn't fight back, even though i wanted to the whole time. i held a conversation with him through the entire 10-15 minutes. It was like something else had taken control of me. I questioned my right to call it rape too.

You are very brave for sharing your story, and you belong here every bit as much as anyone else, your feelings and experiences are every bit as valid. We're all here to care and support each other no matter what our stories are, because the result is the same, a wounded heart and spirit, which can only be healed by gentle and unjudging love and support.

i hope you will feel comfortable enough to stay, and that you will find the healing and support you need.

Honey, you're still a survivor if you never tried to fight. we're conditioned from earliest age not to fight back, or create a scene. this disassociation is your mind's way of protecting you from situations you can't deal with right now. if you've been through this before, ANY sexual situation is likely to trigger this response. Unfortunately, many men will interpret no resistance as a green light instead of seeking active permission.When my husband raped me i couldn't fight back, even though i wanted to the whole time. i held a conversation with him through the entire 10-15 minutes. It was like something else had taken control of me. I questioned my right to call it rape too.You are very brave for sharing your story, and you belong here every bit as much as anyone else, your feelings and experiences are every bit as valid. We're all here to care and support each other no matter what our stories are, because the result is the same, a wounded heart and spirit, which can only be healed by gentle and unjudging love and support.i hope you will feel comfortable enough to stay, and that you will find the healing and support you need.


Thank you so much for your words. They have helped a lot. It's been really hard, especially this last week. I'm definitely gonna stay, though. I don't have much else right now. I can only hopefully go up from here.
Tpatt2008- I'm sorry for the circumstances you've gone through that have brought you here, but I'm happy you have found this website because it's a good place. What you described seemed quite similar to what other survivors, including myself, have experienced. I was first abused as a five year old, and it conditioned in me a fear that was almost paralytic when it came to sexual situations. And I never fought back, not once. I was too afraid of the consequences. Then when I was older I was raped again as a teenager at a party, and despite how afraid I was though I did say no to my abuser, I didn't hit him or really struggle very much. So I understand what you wrote, you're not alone.

You're very brave to share your story. And remember, when you read other people's blogs, don't feel that your pain is any less significant. You deserve the same compassion and kindness as everyone else here. Sending you positive thoughts and energy, and hugs if okay :hug:

Tpatt2008- I'm sorry for the circumstances you've gone through that have brought you here, but I'm happy you have found this website because it's a good place. What you described seemed quite similar to what other survivors, including myself, have experienced. I was first abused as a five year old, and it conditioned in me a fear that was almost paralytic when it came to sexual situations. And I never fought back, not once. I was too afraid of the consequences. Then when I was older I was raped again as a teenager at a party, and despite how afraid I was though I did say no to my abuser, I didn't hit him or really struggle very much. So I understand what you wrote, you're not alone. You're very brave to share your story. And remember, when you read other people's blogs, don't feel that your pain is any less significant. You deserve the same compassion and kindness as everyone else here. Sending you positive thoughts and energy, and hugs if okay :hug:



Hugs are always okay, thank you.
You are absolutely a survivor, and you belong here.

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