Pandora's Aquarium: Why I'm Here - Pandora's Aquarium

Hey there, so this is actually my first time blogging so this could actually get fairly interesting, I am a 21 year old film student just trying to get through life. Writing and photography are hobbies of mine and so anyone who actually reads this will probably see a lot of one or both. I'm actually fairly hesitant to post here, mainly because before yesterday I didn't think I needed to. Before yesterday I had known that from the age of 4 until I was 6, my 16 year old cousin had been sexually abusing me, or assaulting me, I'm not really sure which category it falls under seeing as he was forcing oral sex on me. I have long accepted what he did in that respect and have learned to live with it to the point that it doesn't really bother me that much, although the self-esteem issues are still there. He spent all of 3 months in jail and was put on the sex offender list, he was told he wasn't allowed around children under the age of 16 without their parent present (which has now apparently been lifted)

Yesterday however my other cousin (his sister, and a pathological liar) claimed that her mother was too high and allowed her to be raped in a field by not protecting her. Now we're not denying that she was raped, we know about that, but her mother was not doing drugs at the time. Now this wasn't the end of the conversation. My mother informed me that my cousin not only forced me to perform oral but he also anally raped me. So here I am 15 years later just learning this information. I don't remember this happening and quite frankly I think I was better off not knowing. Right now I am extremely confused. Not because it happened because it really doesn't surprise me all that much, which in itself bothers me. I'm confused at what I'm feeling. I know I should be angry, frustrated, and probably hysterical, but I'm not. When I looked at my mother I literally said "Well, I don't remember it so in my mind it didn't happen, what's in the past is just that, the past."

This does make some sense though. I am very hesitant to trust people, specifically men and I have been known to be extremely uncomfortable around them. I hate crowds, I have very little confidence and am shy in general. I'm not sure if that is exactly a result of what he has done or if I should be feeling like I am, which is surprisingly calm and not upset like I feel I should be. Is this normal? And this is why I'm here.