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Where I am today

Posted by weary_soul , 20 May 2012 · 10 views

These past months have been the worst since the divorce. I know some of the triggers were being around intimidating people who have low level anger i8ssues. The one person admitted that they had began in the class with this anger. They also admitted that they saw me as less than everyone else. All of this was creepy. Then there is this I want a relationship with a significant other. I have not been able to let any man close to me cause I do not trust them. i do not trust me. I tried talking about this with my counselor but she seems to avoid the conversation. or there were some comments made that she does not even believe i was abused. not at least as an adult. However I finally gave her what she wanted. It was the truth or some parts of the truth of my childhood. It seems there was sexual abuse then also. Well I knew this bu7t i wanted to work with the issues surrounding the sexual abuse from my ex. I realized that now it all seems meshed together somehow. First my childhood is not just sexual abuse either. it is physical emotional verbal abuse. The same with my former marriage. My ex manage to hit every piece of the pie on the cycle of abuse. However it is the rapes and the sexual assaults that seemed to linger with me. I seemed to be healed of his verbal assaults and the physical abuse. It is the sexual aspect that sticks with me. When i talked about it or think about it I get sick to my stomach. I think about the childhood sexual abuse I get sad and angry. I think about the rapes from my ex I get sick. I was so sick Friday that I almost felt like I should go to the hospital. Then there are the triggers. A guy gets too close i want to run. Or A person displays anger Is tart fazing out. Ha This is ho0w my counselor became focused on the childhood abuse,. I had a severe trigger when i went to the self-inflicted presentation. Well the presentation caused part of the trigger. The other part was from the man presenting the material. he was extremely arrogant and appeared angry. my WHOLE INSIDE WAS JUMPING. IT TOOK ALL OF MY FOCUS JUST TO STAY THERE. ah HE IS A person with PTSD also. I did not expect to react from the information being presented but I realized that I had participated in this behavior as a child. This threw me out of whack. See I have this controlled. I am very good in hiding my feelings. Until something like this happens. Now I feel like a fool. It was obvious something was wrong with me when a male professor introduce himself. I thought oh yeah I need to stay away from him now. I wonder what he thought. he probably did not think much of it. He probably did not notice. I pray If I see him again he does not remember me or at least the way I acted. So after reacting all week to this event then I spilled to my counselor. She probably relieve no more talk about the domestic violence. it is all about that. Some people cannot believe that a spouse would do those things. This lets her off the hook. Besides I dont want to tell anyone about the rape about the sexual assaults about the sexual activity afterwards i did just so I would not be forced or rape again. I hate it. This is what makes me so sick Up until the time that I gave up I was innocent . it was his shame ... But once I decided to just do what he wanted so he would not forced me then it became my shame. Yes he did threaten to overpower me again to forced me. But that is not an excuse for giving in. I hate myself for giving in to him.... Then there is the bracing going on today. See my ex has this cycle. he has been acti8ng up a lot lately. it is this starting arguments making comments to me. Well he has been trying to get a rouse out of me since the beginning of the year. ah I have been practicing choice theory. This means I get to decide how I feel. well this works as far as I can get away from him. Then I may have a meltdown without him knowing. The thing is as far as he knew he was having no effect. it is important for him to incite the fear. Then he tried a few weeks ago with I was mentally ill. he got my two older children involved. My you8ngest one he is doing the thing its all a joke your mother just cant handle a joke. Anyway I let this passed. i was enjoying being left alone of being handle with kit gloves. It did not last long enough as he is fuming now. I have to deal with him. he was screaming and hollering the other day. Then he says I am not screaming at you...The other thing he does is send messages home with my youngest. My youngest say things then he says he did not get it from his dad. The one rape my youngest gave me details about. UM then claimed his older brother saw it. I was devastated thinking one of my children witnessed that. MY youngest said the proof was where the bruises were. Then i ask my older son a few questions to find out he knows nothing. he still knows nothing. AH my youngest claims someone on the internet told him. That one of his friends seen on a porn site. So I cannhttp://pandys.org/forums/index.php?app=blog&module=post&section=post&do=showform&blogid=4545#ot do anything. I know my ex is fuming. My youngest son will be coming home with a message some kind of message for me. I can only pray it is not about sex or anything sexual. I can only pray it is something just calling me some kind of name. This is where I am at today. Then there is tomorrow, I am not sure what the counselor will say or what we talked about. But i really want to talked aBOut all of this. I know in the past she made it sound like It was me my perspective OF THINGS. tHAT MY YOUNGEST CHILD FELT CAUGHT IN THE MIDDLE WANTED THIS RELATIONSHIP WITH THE FATHER. yEAH WELL THE MESSAGES THE SCREAMING THE CALLING NAMES THE JOKES MY OLDER SON MAKES ABOUT WOMEN BEING RAPED IS ALL MY EX SICK METHOD OF TORTURING ME. hA i AM STILL PRACTICING MY choice THEORY OR AT LEAST i AM TRYING. MAYBE ONE DAY i WILL BE ABLE TO SAY i HAVE COMPLETE CONTROLLED OVER WHAT i AM FEELING AND WHEN I AM FEELING WHAT.



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