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If you really knew me...

Posted by kmfdm , 20 March 2013 · 48 views

Haven't written in awhile. I guess I have been falling head first down the rabbit hole. Went to this thing, for work-"Challenge Day". You get a bunch of high school kids togther and play a few dozen trust games. Then you get to the heavy and let it all come pouring out. One game that really made me look at my life as a whole, was called "If you really knew me".
You get into small groups, no more then five people, and have an aloted amount of time to speak and be heard. If a person choses to say nothing, then you all sit in silence and wait. It's their time to do what they will. Life changeing for some of these kids. Anyway, I spent all day decideing how much I would share. How much would be okay to tell these children? I kept it simple and skated over my abuse. I thought that maybe, this would be a safe place to play for real. So here it goes.

If you really knew me, you would know that I was sexualy abused from 7-17. That the first time I tryed to kill myself, I was 10. If you knew me, you would know that no one listend when I spoke out against my perps. That my father sold me to him for 50 bucks a day, so he could buy crack. If you knew, REAllY knew me, you would know that my perp took me to a place where child rapists met to share their victims. To film us, beat us, make us preforms like twisted circus acts. Let us beLIEve we could save each other form more pain, more torture.

If you knew me at all, you would know I have been sent to mental instutions that kept me straped to a bed that only triggerd me further, until they were shoving needles in my arms like dicks down my throat. If you knew me then you would know I was not a slut like the kids in my high school believed. That I had not had sex willingly...ever. If you really knew me at all, you would know that everyday has been, is and will always be, a battle inside myself.

I hear you. and I'm beyond sorry. Seems to me you're holding down a job- that's f'n phenomenal after what you've described here. You're a strong woman. I admire you.

October 2014

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