So its now April 24th 2012, only 5 months and 2 days till its been a full year since Ayla told me about what happened and probably close to almost 2 years since the incident occurred. Still feels like yesterday to me! Its been very hard to deal with. There are simple things that get to me. For example i was at my dads house and him and my step mom had a male friend over and Ayla being Ayla made friends with him right away after we had been there for prob 2-3 hrs she was sitting in his lap in the living room and he started tickling her, something i wouldn't have normally even flinched over but now seeing him tickler her made me then think of HIM "i wonder if that's how he got her to trust him" " i wonder if that's how he started everything, tickling her then maybe tickled her thigh then maybe moved his hand higher" it was all i could do not to run over to the man (who had no idea about what happened and was just being innocent with a little friendly girl in the middle of the living room and everyone and God) and yank my daughter out of his lap. I still feel horrible about the situation. she was just having such a good time and laughing her sweet little heart off and mommy had to ruin it. Another time that just jumps out in my brain is one night Ayla was being very particularly defiant and difficult and mommy was tired and it was late and she had school in the morning and she just would not stay in bed so i spanked her and fussed and out her in her bed and she of course then fell asleep. Well a few hours later i was feeling bad that i had to fuss at her right before bed so i went in her room and laid next to her and started, what my family calls "petting" her back, very gently rubbing it with the tips of our fingers, and all i could think about was the same things as the tickling and i just felt like i was the one being dirty i just had to get up and leave the room i just couldn't get my mind to change gears.
another thing that I've had to deal with in the past several months is that i am still Facebook friends with the baby sitter and she just recently made a post about how proud she was of "the offender" for changing and being such a good father and role model for their boys and a bunch of other crap. I was like really?? proud that he touched my daughter? proud that he stole her innocence? then i was like how can you be a good father in PRISON which then lead to some role model you're showing your boys!!! another thing that i found out from her (cuz she is apparently still talking to him) is that he told her that he was drunk when he did it and she apparently seems to think that its ok or something! I don't care if he was drunk or not!!! first of all besides the fact that he did it to my daughter being drunk is not an excuse because being drunk doesn't make you do something that weren't already thinking about or wanting to do it just gives you the courage to do it!