So let's see, what have I accomplished in life?
So I grew up in a small village and was bullied from late kindergarden throughout, well, into high school. During middle school, possibly in part because of that, I skipped school a lot. My parents both worked, but my mom left after me, so I would leave the house and go to an abandoned shack with a view to the road and wait there until I saw my mom leaving for work, then I would go back to the house. My grades in first year middle school were abyssmal even though I was not by any means stupid, I just didn't care to do homework or study for tests. I got better throughout middle school, but the grades were never anything to write home about.
Come high school, we moved to the US and a severe depression hit, about the same time I learned I would have to retake a year because I had failed math and chemistry. Nobody had prepared me for this (nobody had told me I was at risk of having to redo a year, or, when summer break came, that I would have to redo a year), so this came as a huge shock on the first day of school after summer, and added to the depression and feeling of hopelessness. It didn't help that people, among them my dad, had imprinted in us that we had to do well in school to succeed in life. Young as I was, I actually believed this, to the point where I believed my whole life was ruined and that it'd never get better (this may of course have also been due to my depression and whatnot ).
Long story short, just before my 18th birthday I printed my diary and put it on my bedroom desk. I had promised myself that when I moved to the States, it'd keep a diary about the experience, but it never happened, until I got really really ill. The "diary" became a two week or so very dark and open journal about just how badly I was doing, and mentions that I had tried to kill myself. Finally, after ignoring so many signs for the longest time, my parents realized how badly I needed help. I was rushed to a psychiatric hospital and stayed there for a week. It was one of the best weeks of my life.
Up until then, I had a bleak and very wrong image of what such a place was, and when I was being registered there I was more scared than I had ever been in my life. And to think that it turned out to be such a great place, and I made such fantastic friends there. I had heard stories of how soldiers form incredibly close bonds during war time, and now I think I know what that means. I bonded more closely with the people in my two inpatient units, in those few days, than I ever had with anyone else in my life, before or after.
Fast forward a few years, past the two years when I was barely in school. I finally admitted to myself that I had to finish high school part-time, which took five more years (yes, I spent nine years finishing high school). I graduated with good grades (two exams with top grades, in fact), and went on to a year of contemporary circus in folk college (pretty much directly following the event that led me to seek out this site) before I started a bachelor degree in social work in a small town. This was the best time of my life -- I was studying something incredibly interesting and meaningful to me, made fantastic friends, and had great fun.
Then another depression hit. Then I realized social work didn't fit me. So I dropped out, during my practice period, and went home. It was a very heavy blow. So I went to folk college again and did horse riding for a year to "recharge" and whatnot. Graduated this May.
So, here I am. I'm turning 29 this year and haven't ever had a job (though I've done a fair bit of volunteering, for fairness' sake), don't have an education, have other problems I'm not ready to talk about here and possibly won't ever be, and I'm watching friends graduate and raise children all around me. I'm in the part of my life where I'm "supposed to be" fully educated, in a fulltime job, possibly with a house and family and I don't even know. There's a reason for this, I know, I've been busy fighting my own battles and part of the reason I didn't finish high school sooner is that I pushed myself too hard and didn't admit I needed to do it part-time... but I also know I could've pushed myself more in other areas. Right now, for example, I'm sitting on my butt instead of applying for jobs in part because of social anxiety, but also because I'm afraid I won't get a job, or that I will get a job somewhere and that it won't work out for me. I know it's irrational, I know I gotta give it a chance and "jump into it", but I'm simply scared -- and sometimes I'm so fed up with my life, with myself, with everything, that I think it would be a blessing for it all to end.
Whew. Actually felt good to get all that out. I suppose I should take my own advice and start looking for work online again.
Words of encouragement of any kind are very welcome. Love all of you. You're the best.