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That tired old dog

Posted by Tillit , 16 February 2014 · 91 views

I've made the decision to write this several times, and then either started writing or decided not to, but now I feel the "spirit" to get this written down, so fine, I'll make a try. I'll start writing and then stop and put it off, in part because this is hard to be open about, and then I'll return as the right melancholic, down-trodden mood hits again and I feel like getting all this down "on paper", so it's feelings from different times compressed into one text, and also I apologize for making it so freaking lengthy.
Long story short...

I'm tired.

It's not the trauma, I'm mostly over that, it's not just anxiety and depression, I can fight that and I know it comes and goes anyway. The problem is things that just... won't get better, that are part of me, and that maybe, or make that very likely, simply can't and won't go away.

A fellow community member just described her life as a game of snakes and ladders, and that's exactly how I feel. I'm a playing piece trying to get from the bottom of the board (hopelessness and despair) to the top (I don't know, some kind of vague picture of "happiness"), and suddenly something can happen that makes my mood plummet and makes me withdraw to my room to sit at my laptop or lie buried in the bed for the rest of the day. I've been getting better and better at being extroverted and social, but things keep "pulling me down". Both things that go wrong and all the comments and whatnot I get from people around me.
Among other things, I have a lousy attention span, I'm horrible at remembering appointments and just about whenever instructions have been given, I have to ask people afterwards because some or everything that was said went in one ear and out the other. That alone is so incredibly tiring, both to me and to people around me. I've finally asked my psych to let me undergo testing for ADD, and I was hoping that there would be some kind of "fix" for me. I've heard of people with ADHD who have been given medication and had their lives turned around completely. So I guess I was hoping for a miracle. But my doctor and psych aren't on board with that idea, and while I intend to talk more to them about that, I know they probably know better than me what's good for me. I've read online that medication is only for very serious cases anyway, so there goes that out.
Would've been unimaginably wonderful to have at least that part sorted out, but nope, no go, stuck with it along with the other parts of me that I'm becoming increasingly aware that probably simply can't and won't "heal". So now I'm supposed to resign myself to having to live with this for the rest of my life... and I just don't know if I can do it. It seems like a big mountain I don't know if I can climb, or like I'm on a tiny boat I don't know if I can keep afloat.
Gods help me, I just don't know if I can do this.

I have this image in my head. It's of an old dog, the kind that you that you know you can't expect as much from as you can with a dog in its prime. The canine walks, perhaps stiffly, to its bed and curls up, and as it lies its tired down and shuts its eyes you understand that it doesn't have much time or strength left, but in a way that's okay, it just has to be accepted, it's kinda part of life. The dog has lived a long life, and it deserves to rest. It can rest now. It's okay. It's enough now.

I feel like that old dog. I feel ready to retire, I've been through so much crap, one thing following another, and faced difficulties pretty much all my life, and I feel so old, like I've lived for nearly a whole lifetime. But I'm not old, I'm not even 30 and still have roughly two thirds of my life ahead of me if I live to the ripe old age of 80. I have a classmate who have various problems (chronic fatigue syndrome/ME, among other things), and she's said she wouldn't mind dying at 40. So much of what she says resonnates with me --how she's tired of getting comments from everyone, how she tries to hide her issues and be like everyone else, how she's incredibly tired, too-- and, also, not having a problem with dying "prematurely". I wouldn't mind at all dying at 40. Or 30. Or 29. As some wise person once said, "I don't want to die --I just don't want to live".

Just to make it clear, I'm not suicidal, I feel confident I'm not going to kill myself, I know there are so many people who would be crushed if I did, so there goes that option out the window. I also happen to not believe in an afterlife or reincarnation or anything like that, so as far as I can tell, this is the one life I have been given. And I'm going through it with so many more hurdles than most people, and it just seems so incredibly unfair.

I'm just so tired.

So. Incredibly. Tired.

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