Mixed feelings for Yule vacation
...but I've got very mixed feelings. You know all those people who say they are not looking forward to Yule or Christmas? Yeah. I'm one of those people. To begin with, there's the things I struggle with from day to day and the things I wish I would have done differently throughout the folk college year that have already got me down. Among other things that I really struggle with remembering stuff, and that I have a short attention span. I think I've got ADD or something, because I'm so good at "dropping out of" conversations, procrastinating and forgetting appointments. I was supposed to show up for a meeting at social services this morning and just completely forgot until late at night, which is so typical me.
Then there is the fact that for a number of reasons, I just don't enjoy being home. I don't enjoy being in my home, where things have been bad for years and "it" happened. I hate being there and not knowing how drunk my dad is going to get, whether bad stuff is going to happen, or if I'm just going to snap back into old habits of staying up all night, sleeping or shutting myself off with my laptop most of the day, and eating and drinking so much candy, soda and coffee that it nearly scares me. I've long since come to realize that my house and hometown are poison to me. There is a chasm between the life I live here in my FC village and my hometown, in just about every way.
Even without all these things I don't like being in my hometown in general because I've got so much "baggage here", mostly dealing with my childhood years and all the bullying I endured then, and very few friends there, and the ones I do have rarely even reply when I contact them and ask if they want to have a coffee or go climbing or something.
I know things will be good, too. There will be good food, the family members I enjoy being with, and their friends, my beloved dog, opening presents on the 24th, and who knows. There are things I'm looking forward to. It's just that I have to take the good with the bad. Overall, I'm counting days 'till I'm back in my safe FC village, reunited with my friends here.