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Tillit's Loft


'Leaving' Pandy's

Posted by Tillit , 04 August 2014 · 91 views

I joined Pandy's in 2012, during my first year of college, while I was dealing with the worst of my traumas. At that time, I was struggling increasingly bad, and this was before I had managed to open up to a T, though many of those around me understood something had happened from the way I reacted to things. Since then I've made almost half a thousand pos...


Book recommendation: the Courage to be Me

Posted by Tillit , 17 July 2014 · 195 views

The courage to be me
"An everyday story that never gets told"
http://ninaburrowes....urage-to-be-me/ (free e-book)
Having just finished this amazing little book, I figured I might as well make a blog post recommending it to all of you fantastic, wonderful people here. "The courage to be me" is a pretty short read, and not...


Being 'brave'

Posted by Tillit , 02 July 2014 · 96 views

So I graduated from folk college this May, and it's a tradition that the pupils are given year books which have blank pages in the end for friends and teachers to write some "farewell words" to you. Looking through a yearbook, you often see the same compliments repeated in a lot of greetings. The recurrent ones for me were 'funny', 'kind' and 'considerate...


My stay at a psychiatric hospital (in 2003)

Posted by Tillit , 14 June 2014 · 145 views

This began as a comment to Qrius after the last entry, but became so detailed that I figured I might as well make it a full-fledged blog post, so that more people can see it.
The hospital was a number of units of various kinds surrounding a large grass field. My first unit, with the rooms built around an open room with sofas and a TV room, was a "s...


So let's see, what have I accomplished in life?

Posted by Tillit , 11 June 2014 · 156 views

Okay, so this is another blog post that strictly speaking has little to do with SA, but it helps me to get these things off my chest, so if you have two seconds to spare and don't mind reading about other topics, then feel free to read on. http://www.pandys.or...ult/trigger.gif for SI, SU
So I grew up in a small v...


The best part of having a dog - a break from social anxiety

Posted by Tillit , 08 June 2014 · 166 views

I'm staying at my parents' house over the summer, and this weekend I'm alone with the dog while my parents are away. I have no one in this town -- the few I have don't reply when I send them messages, so I guess they don't count. She is used to being with my parents and with them down, she's got only me, so she follows me where-ever I go in the house. Tod...


An activity plan that works?!

Posted by Tillit , 31 May 2014 · 145 views

So basically, the past week I've done something that I didn't know I could: I've made an activity plan, and actually stuck to it.
It started when I realized I should probably start getting out of the house rather than just sit inside with my laptop all day. Then I advanced that to making myself get out of the house and do something at least once ev...


Talked about self-injury in school assembly

Posted by Tillit , 04 May 2014 · 151 views

So my school has a daily morning assembly where where someone presents something for the school every morning. It can be a poem, a song, a funny story, a dance routine, a talk about something they care about, anything you want. So after thinking for a long time, and after having thrown away the idea of having a talk about SA, I decided to have a presentat...


Learning to be assertive through horse riding

Posted by Tillit , 25 March 2014 · 113 views

I'm walking a horse back from a paddock to the stable. It's one of the two bigger horses at the stable, and she knows this very well. As we near the stable, she first starts to walk faster, then she throws her head at me and tries to push me away. I yell "no" firmly and slap her side, not hard enough to hurt, but hard enough to make the point that I'm not...


Long day; thoughts about future

Posted by Tillit , 11 March 2014 · 94 views

So today I got up for breakfast as usual, but as everyone else headed for assembly I walked down the hill to the village and got on the bus for an hour-long ride to a nearby town. Here in in the heart of rural Scandinavia, things are often far away from where you live, so long trips is just something you've got to put up with if you want to live in a vill...


That tired old dog

Posted by Tillit , 16 February 2014 · 96 views

I've made the decision to write this several times, and then either started writing or decided not to, but now I feel the "spirit" to get this written down, so fine, I'll make a try. I'll start writing and then stop and put it off, in part because this is hard to be open about, and then I'll return as the right melancholic, down-trodden mood hits again an...


Because sometimes, you just have to laugh

Posted by Tillit , 12 February 2014 · 166 views

Today, I was so tired that when I came out of the shower, I almost applied my defense spray to my armpit instead of my spray deodorant.
This got me thinking... does anyone else have those little "survivor moments" that aren't depressing or anything, but just things you just have to smile or laugh at? Not neccessarily as in "dark humour" funny, but...


Gratitude jars

Posted by Tillit , 07 January 2014 · 203 views

Passing on something I found on the forums because I thought it a great idea.
Basically, what you do is take an empty jar and put it somewhere visible, such as on a shelf or your desk. This jar is your "gratitude jar". Every time someone does something for you, or something happens for which you're grateful, you write it down on a note, perhaps wi...


Everything went better than expected (and a primer on folk colleges)

Posted by Tillit , 03 January 2014 · 218 views

So I was having some very bad feelings about Yule this year. As a whole, though, everything went better than I thought they would. Okay, fine, they didn't exactly go well; I've not taken care of myself, I have barely been out of the house for weeks, and I've spent a lot of time by myself... but I had my brothers over, and their girlfriends, so things have...


Mixed feelings for Yule vacation

Posted by Tillit , 17 December 2013 · 195 views

So I've already put half a year of folk college behind me, and I'll be leaving my train and plane for my home city tomorrow... and while I'm looking forward to the spare time and sleeping in, the freedom and meeting old friends and family...
...but I've got very mixed feelings. You know all those people who say they are not looking forward to Yule...


When people just won't stop asking

Posted by Tillit , 30 November 2013 · 211 views

So long story short, I developed a severe depression (not SA-related) during my teens, which worsened when I failed two key classes and had to retake a high school year. I was away from school for two years, then eventually dropped out and finished high school part-time, which took five more years. Then I went to college for one and a half years before re...


Wanting people to know, but not daring to tell

Posted by Tillit , 08 November 2013 · 144 views

So I'm currently going to a folk college , and although I've had a great semester so far, no one here knows about what I've been through and I actually find that I would like them to know, because I feel a feeling of security when people around me know, in part because it also helps me connect to other survivors. Problem is that I don't dare simply tell t...



Posted by Tillit , 04 November 2012 · 190 views


So this semester has been a roller coaster ride like no other. This was supposed to be the semester where everything got better. I managed to disclose, in detail, what happened to my to my T last semester, and that lifted a huge weight off my shoulders, and I was so ready to move on with my life.

Then comes a depression out of nowhere. Really, out of nowhere. It hits me hard right in the gut and everything goes to the hot place in a hand basket. Okay, not completely out of nowhere -- my T says I'm predisposed (if that's a word) for depression due to my life situation and past and frankly I don't blame my brain from overloading from everything that's happened in my life, but either way I'm almost completely absent from lectures, don't read curriculum, and don't work on assignments. Oh, and I don't take care of myself, eat, or keep my room tidy and clean. I'm a mess for the better part of the semester. We've got three weeks left of lectures and here I am feeling the year has only just started. Holy ****.

I'm at a crux now, though. A tipping point. Call it whatever you want. Either way, I've got an assignment due that I think everyone else have turned in but me, because I've just put it off continually since it was given to me. Tomorrow/today (it's 2:58am here) I'm going to turn it in. I've got no feedback on it so far, unlike everyone else who turned it in for review, and if I don't pass, I don't get to take the semester exams. If I don't get to take the exams, I have to redo the entire year. Them's the grapes.

So I'm turning in an 10 page assignment, half of which I've composed practically overnight, I think it's good enough, but I'm not an experienced enough college student to know, and sooo much depends on this passing. I don't know if I really mind having to redo a year, gods only know that I've done that before (long story, may tell it later), but I feel I'm soo incredibly lucky to have the classmates I have, and I really don't want to "lose" them and have to step into another class full of strangers who may not be nearly as friendly and outgoing and colourful as my wonderful current class.
So.... wish me luck, all. I think I need it.

At least it's finally coming together. Last minute panic hit yesterday and I got cracking, and now I've been up all night putting it together. FINALLY I feel it's about 98-99% finished. Finally I know I've got something to turn in tomorrow.

Fih- nah- lly.

#thatfeeling #whoneedssleep


It shouldn't have to be like this

Posted by Tillit , 25 September 2012 · 193 views

It shouldn't have to be like this.

I'm a Norwegian. We live in one of the most successful countries in the history of mankind. We have social services, free colleges and universities,. a high life expectancy and a country that has enjoyed 70 years straight of peace -- interrupted only by the terrible events of last year's summer. But not all of us feel safe. Not all of us can relax fully and enjoy life. We can't let our guard down and forget for too long at a time. We're constantly reminded.

I lie down on my side to rest for a minute and feel my defense spray in my pocket. Got it in the mail today, and now it reminds me every time I accidentally nudge it. I wonder for how long I'll keep carrying it, if I'll ever get used to it. I hear sounds in the night and freeze because my brain still turns innocent sounds into screams. Somebody touches me innocously and I still go into self-defense mode, 'cause
it reminds me:
I'm not just a student, a civilian, another innocouos youth going on with his daily life. I'm a warrior, and I am under threat. As are all of us.

We feel lucky not to have to live on Svalbard and have to take rifles with them into the wilderness, because they could be attacked by polar bears. We feel fortunate not to live in a war zone where you can't walk to school without fearing firefights, or step off the forest trail for fear of stepping on one of thosedreaded landmines.
Are we much better off, though?

Is it better to survive a traumatic sexual experience in a peaceful country than to take a stray shot in a warzone? The physical effects of the two experiences are completely different, but I have a feeling the trauma from the latter is probably less serious...

So we live our daily lives with the knowledge that we're under threat. We stay indoors at night. We buy pepper sprays and alarms and carry keychains-of-death. We teach each others all kinds of ridiculous, almost superstitious rules that we believe will help keep us safe. Because none of us are. We know that when we hang out with loved ones or walk home or go to a party, we're taking a risk that we shouldn't have to consider. Some of us stop there, feeling content not to delve deeper into the problem. They don't care about attitudes, police efficiency or harsher sentences. As is sexual abuse was something to take for granted, that we couldn't do anything a bout more than we can keep the rain from falling. But...

...it shouldn't have to be like this.
For real. It shouldn't.


Two Wolves

Posted by Tillit , 09 September 2012 · 136 views

A Native American grandfather sat with his grandson by a campfire. He told the child that within all humans, there were two fighting wolves, one of them good, the other evil.

Which one will win, asked the grandson, eyes wide.

The one you feed , answered the grandfather.

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