How can I call him what he is when he's so normal?
So I looked at his facebook page. He has lots of friends, many of them girls. He's a nice, friendly man. Doesn't take life seriously. How then can I call him a r*pist?
How can I equate this man with s*xual violence? Some people say r*pe isn't about s*x, it's an act of violence. This confuses me and makes me wonder if I can call what happened to me 'r*pe'. When I think back to that night, for him it was all about s*x. He wanted it and he ensured that I ended up at his place, drunk and vulnerable. He just wanted s*x though - that's normal between two consenting adults isn't it? I know that's the issue - consent.
I did not give my consent, in fact earlier in the evening I'd expressly denied consent. He just thought I needed my mind changing - so in my drunken state he invited me around for a cuddle and I naively went as I thought we were friends, I wanted to feel cared for, loved - but I didnt want s*x - at least I don't think so. I've beaten myself up about this in many forms since - "Did I secretely want to, is that why I went around?", "Did I know what was going to happen? I must have wanted it, after all alcohol reduces our inhibitions" These thoughts have tortured me ever since.
(...for my own scary tormented thoughts)
The thing that confuses me is the way society views these issues. He does not for one minute think he is a r*pist - I know this. He just thinks I am a crazy girl who regrets that night and who ran away and moved home a few days later (he was my neighbour). He's learned while growing up that 'girls say no when they mean yes', and that 'sometimes they take a little coaxing' - why else do some men lable their sexual experiences as 'conquests'? - society condones this.
So although I know in my gut that what happened that night was wrong, I still doubt myself regularly and cannot call him the 'man who r*ped me', it feels like a lie, it feels like an insult to all those women who have really been ass*ulted even though since that night I have never been the same