I'm sick of everything and everyone. I just want it to go back to the way it was this summer. I want to go back to when I was the only one who could get under my ex-partner's skin. I'm tired of being expected to fix all my boyfriend's problems. I can't do anything to fix his mistakes. I want to go back to when I was with my ex-partner and I could rant and rave about how things weren't fair and he'd listen to me with that concerned look on his face until I was done. I miss him replacing the narrowed eyebrows and contemplative look with a devilish grin just before making me forget my own name and my worries along with it. I miss when if I was upset or bored I could text him and he would distract me from anything without asking me what was wrong, not because he didn't care but he knew that if I wanted to talk about it, I would in my own time. I miss riding home with him, listening to whatever he wanted to and having no say in the matter unless he was feeling extremely generous. Those times where I picked the CD made me the happiest person in the world. I miss feeling like I had to be a good person in his eyes, and I miss his satisfaction when I achieved it. I miss when the beanbag chair was mine and mine alone, but not as much as I miss when it was ours. I miss when hearing songs that reminded me of him or seeing pictures of him at airsoft made me smile, not feel like I was being stabbed in the chest.
I miss not feeling like I'm cheating because I think I love him.
I miss regularly getting with M et al every Friday night to feel loved. I miss them making jokes about her and I getting it on to turn them on. I miss when I didn't feel like I was putting her in the middle of my ex and I and making her choose between us. I miss feeling protected by the three of them, like when I was with them no one could ever hurt me. I miss when she would make A make me food to make sure I ate. It felt like they were working together to keep me alive, and that's what they were doing without even realizing it, and it was wonderful.
I guess I just miss not feeling like my world is crashing around me. I don't want to sleep because I don't want to lay awake and have nothing to do but think. I want to drink or cut or something just to take the edge off, but I don't have the means and know I shouldn't, respectively. I just want someone to tell me it's all alright, and I want to be able to believe them.