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I have this friend who I believe I've talked about before on here. His name is Jake. He was the first one to know about the SA, and in fact was the one who convinced me that what was happening was not normal and that it was unacceptable. So he's kinda been there for me through some rough stuff, and I trust him completely.
Also, he's the only guy I've ever been attracted to since day one, and over the past week and a half we've become friends with benefits.
It's not perfect. There are some inherent flaws. But honestly, I think it's what I need right now. I like that it's a way for me to explore without having to worry about feelings. Obviously I'd be upset to lose him, but I wouldn't be broken-hearted. And of all people to do this with, he's probably the best. Before the abuse, I didn't really have any sexual experience. My ex and I made out a few times, and he grabbed my ass once or twice just to piss me off, but there was nothing I enjoyed. With Jake... totally different story.
I love that he can tell when I'm triggered, and what to do when I am. He tells me his full name, and the date, and where he was born and where he lives now, and then starts talking about things in the room. I was digitally r*ped, and he knows that. He was very cautious about fingering me, and I had to tell him several times that I was okay with it before he finally would. When I did get upset afterwards, he gave me a couple of minutes to myself, and before he walked away, he told me to remember who he was. I hadn't even told him I was triggered; he just knew.
And honestly I'm loving this whole situation. I'm loving the fact that I'm getting something out of this. I'm loving that I orgasmed. I'm loving that while there is fear and anxiety, it hasn't been that much of a roadblock. Sure, I get too tight for him to get it in more than two inches, but the fact that I can even look at it and touch it without panicking is a huge step in the right direction. I love the satisfaction I get from pleasing him. I love his face when I touch him in just the right place, or let him play out his greatest fantasy (showering. And oh God that was a great experience). I love that I want to kiss him. I love that I want to touch him, and that I want him to touch me. I love that he doesn't get frustrated with me when I have to stop, whether it's because I'm triggered or just plain old tired. I love the way he teases me until I can't stand it.
I feel like I'm taking back something that my abuser made me afraid of, and that is the best feeling in the world.