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Stand Up

Posted by alwayswondering , 07 January 2013 · 94 views

I wonder how I ever trusted any men, and how I kept trying. I guess I was so desperate, and brushed off the assaults as "not that bad" or that "I deserved it." I do not deserve to be tackled from behind and throw into a fence or hit. That is physical abuse. Why did I not see it that way? Why did I take that? It makes me really angry. I have spent my whole life "taking it" and not standing up for myself because I think I'm a bad person and don't deserve to be stood up for. I want to feel good about myself. I think now I feel that I wouldn't take physical abuse. Why would I then? I won't minimize this. Why would I let someone do that to me? And why would those people that were my "friends" stand by? I'm so glad I'm in a completely different place now. I have a husband that truly cares about me and would never physically hurt me. Sometimes I just get so angry about how terribly I've treated myself throughout my whole life because I didn't think I deserved any better. I still do it now in some ways, my heavy drinking being one of them. I am no longer just going to take shit from men! I am onto a new decade in my life, and this is going to be the time when I start standing up for myself to all people. I have wasted so much time allowing myself to be trampled on, but not anymore.

This isn't the same thing, of course, but I had a teacher assistant of sorts once who was, shall we say, very destructive, and I thought about it then in about the same ways you do... I felt that I deserved it, that her behaviour was really "OK", and that if I complained about her to someone, they would just tell me I was overreacting. I, too,

I know that a teacher "bullying" you and physical abuse are two different things (except I suppose both are abuse), but I too experienced that "everyone" seemed to love her even though she was the way she was... and that further made me feel it was my own fault, and made me all the more bitter in hindsight. I mean, being treated badly, that I can take, but nobody reacting? Everyone acting as if she was a wonderful person? That, it takes a little more to get over :( .

I'm glad you've decided to not "take it" anymore. You're right, you deserve better. All of us do.

July 2016

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    Stand Up
    Tillit - Jan 07 2013 11:49 AM


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