Is it ok to want to forget?
She seems to be doing better from what I can cyber stalk. Is this normal? Because things aren't going better for me. Not only that if anything they seem to be getting worse. Only thing I got going is my car and my job. I forget to pay my bills half the fucking time because I'm so god damn high. I get high to cope with the stress of knowing or feeling rather that I fucked up and let her down. Hits home because I am also a survivor of molestation and getting my ass beat, locked into bathrooms, choked, you name it really. Scares me and it took me until I was 18 to really really not live in fear of this mother fucker I call my biological father.
How the fuck am I supposed to feel? I wouldnít be in my promising new career if it weren't for her influence. She always knew how to talk to me even when nobody else did and don't get me wrong I can think for myself but having her there really really helped me get clean at one time. I drank occasionally and that was it. Now Iím blazed out of my head, wishing I had something to pop. Vicodin, xanax bars, all sound good to me about now.
She was the first woman I loved so big with all my heart and soul. She was also my first sexual partner too. I feel kinda used in a way. I know she loved me at the time and I will never understand why the actions of someone else would change how she feels about me. It's not all about me. To be one hundred percent real, it's because I love her. I had to go through all my shit as a child alone. I couldn't tell anyone I had been molested. It would have made the case more complicated then It already was. I wanted to get the fuck away from him and call it a day. Simple as that. Wasn't interested in making things worse and on top of that who would believe such things?
She told me I was the only person that knew. Now she has a new boyfriend. Part of me wants to go out and have sex and enjoy myself just to prove that if she can play this game, I can too. She can throw me out like I never fucking existed, two can play at that fucking game! Why can't I do that? Why can't I forget her the way she forgot me? I've had my heart broken before. This isn't just a broken heart. This is straight up abandoning me! Just about everyone in my life has abandoned me. This brings back all the abuse I went through as a child. I get nightmares like a child now.
Is it wrong that I want to forget her the way she forgot me? Is it wrong to want to be able to forget her so I can maybe sleep and have one day I don't consider killing myself? I can't forget her and I can't help her for fuck sake. IS it wrong to want to forget what happened to me personally as a child? I just want this so called "normal" life that people seem to talk about? I can't help me I mean look at me! All I've managed to do since this all went down is put on weight, almost get my car repossessed, start smoking again and have zero disregard for life. I want to get better but I donít' feel any desire to. I just want to be as numb as she is so I can move on like nothing happened. I put on a happy front but on the real I wish someone would end this lie.
Maybe this is self made. Maybe it's my fault she left, maybe it's not. I really am trying to move on. Every fucking day I try to do something different. I went from being a guy who would drive anywhere or fly anywhere for anything to a person who won't leave the house except to go to work. I don't understand any of this. If you ignore me that's fine or you can stay tuned to my blog and see what happens to the big failure.