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Posted by lost.dancer , 06 August 2012 · 34 views

i lost myself the day that they touched me. I know im in there somewhere, some days i can feel myself screaming for help, to be let go. Im not sure how to become the person i once was, im not sure if that is even possible. At this point i have become positive that there is no hope for love in my life, i just dont know how to feel anymore. I cant expect someone to sit around and wait for me to come alive again. Sure i can put on a false face for the people around me, but truth be told once you have become settled with the idea of death nothing ever feels the same. I decided in september that the world would be a better place without me, yet i made a promise to a friend that i would stick around for them. Today i still keep that promise knowing its the only thing im holding on to in this world. I lost my baby girl in december, i never met her, i never held her, but i loved her. I hold on to her memory, to the feeling that i had, the connection i had made. Its amazing how something so small, someone whos voice you have never heard, face you have never seen can change your life. Her name was Olivia, Libby for short and i have made up my mind that she was too beautiful for earth. Thinking about it now i question whether or not i would even want to bring a child into this world with the way it is. People so hateful and destructive.
Its days like today when i wish i had never made that promise, that i had never told someone that i would be there for them, that they could count on me. I know i could never rely on them to be there if i needed them but i suppose i am only using them as an excuse to stay around to see what tomorrow brings. Hoping that it will bring one less flashback one less anxiety attack. Maybe a guy who i could try to reach out to. And perhaps it has, yet i wouldnt know because i dont allow myself to conect. My own mother has called me an ice queen since i was a little girl. I blame that on my father. He left when i was eight years old yet his absence has caused more harm then good. I've always wondered what it would be like to have a dad that cared, one who wanted to be around. I guess i still wonder to this day. I remeber the track meets he missed and the concerts he didn't attended. I wonder if things would have been different in my life if he was around, if he cared more i suppose he would have been awake that night in cobo rather than passed out drunk in the back room.
today im not sure that i will ever find myself again. i am not sure that i will ever stop hurting, or that i will ever be able to find peace in my life. I have given up on the idea of god, i cant even fathom the idea with all the bad in the world. One thing i do know is that i want to help others find hope in their lives. Its a never ending search for me, today i was cleared of cancer, i cried. Im not afraid to die, there were days where i wanted it to come back positive so that i could leave this world without causing excess pain on my family.
I just want to find freedom and days like today make this world and this body feel like a prison.

Aug 07 2012 12:32 PM
I am sorry you are in such pain. I think most of us can relate. Some days yu just wonder if it will ever get better. Its hard to enjoy the days that are good because its like they will just end like a drop of a hat. I hope you are in therapy and are in a group for survivors. Its amazing the healing energy that surrounds groups. One thing that has helped me when I feel like there is no hope and that the world is total evil and that there can possibly be no God is nature. I go outside. Its peaceful. Its a remender that there is always predator/prey/,, good/evil, light/dark. On my darkest days I started to tell myself there has to be a god because everything has opposites. If there was this black hole of pain, there HAD to be the other side. There has to be. People can be evil, circumstances always can change. But the warmth of the sun, the breeze blowing through my hair, those are things I can count on...once I get past the shame that accompanies being an incest survivor and feeling like I don't even deserve the damn sun....it works. I cannot tell you that your life will feel great after a day in the sun, but its hard to feel suicidal when you are surrounded by nature. Please know you are not alone.

June 2016

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