Its days like today when i wish i had never made that promise, that i had never told someone that i would be there for them, that they could count on me. I know i could never rely on them to be there if i needed them but i suppose i am only using them as an excuse to stay around to see what tomorrow brings. Hoping that it will bring one less flashback one less anxiety attack. Maybe a guy who i could try to reach out to. And perhaps it has, yet i wouldnt know because i dont allow myself to conect. My own mother has called me an ice queen since i was a little girl. I blame that on my father. He left when i was eight years old yet his absence has caused more harm then good. I've always wondered what it would be like to have a dad that cared, one who wanted to be around. I guess i still wonder to this day. I remeber the track meets he missed and the concerts he didn't attended. I wonder if things would have been different in my life if he was around, if he cared more i suppose he would have been awake that night in cobo rather than passed out drunk in the back room.
today im not sure that i will ever find myself again. i am not sure that i will ever stop hurting, or that i will ever be able to find peace in my life. I have given up on the idea of god, i cant even fathom the idea with all the bad in the world. One thing i do know is that i want to help others find hope in their lives. Its a never ending search for me, today i was cleared of cancer, i cried. Im not afraid to die, there were days where i wanted it to come back positive so that i could leave this world without causing excess pain on my family.
I just want to find freedom and days like today make this world and this body feel like a prison.