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I'm not here to just please you

Posted by kanata , 30 August 2013 · 166 views

My brother hurt me a lot. My brother hurt me a lot. My brother hurt me a lot. My brother hurt me a lot - That is all that is going through my head these days and I'm getting angry that I just can't process it to the level my therapist wants.

He says to feel all the feelings of the events but not too much. To not do a memory at night unless I complete it but then asks why I am not emailing him anymore. He wishes my brother is dead. Says he is glad he is dead and I jump to the defence of the boy who hurt me.

I feel like I am failing all over the place. I feel like all I am good for is having sex with others. An ex-girlfriend came over and we started drinking. Everything was fun until we lay down to cuddle and she fell asleep. And I got triggered about being trapped in bed with my brother. Always having to please the other person first and I snapped. Told her to get out and walk home in the rain. That I am tired of her doing this to me all the time. Expecting me to hold her in my arms until she sleeps because it makes her feel loved.

And I got resentful of all the times I've asked her to do that for me - or to talk to me during sex which she can't do - or to touch me a certain way because just because we have the same body parts it doesn't mean we have the same reactions - and she failed over and over again at doing it.

So I kicked her out and cancelled the phone plan I gave her and told her to keep all my stuff and probably am acting irrationally but I'm tired of feeling like I'm just a body to be used for someone's pleasure. I'm tired of always defaulting to be the one who gives pleasure.

I'm rambling but I'm tired of the lack of support in my life. Where the only person I have is my therapist and he doesn't even understand that I am not at a place where I can hate my brother.

Hi Kanata,

I am so sorry you were hurt by your brother. When going through the healing process of recovering from sexual abuse, it can be so hard, especially when it was a family member. You have feelings of love all mixed up with the horrible feelings of being abused. I didn't confront my abuser for 34 years. It was my father and I always felt obligated to be the 'good daughter'.

So, I understand where you are with your feelings for your brother. You have to come to your different feelings at a time that is right for you.

I have found that I expect my boyfriend to somehow always be there for me and almost be 'perfect' in the way I think he should respond to me. This is especially true when I am going through a dark period, like if something triggers me to revert back to a distrust of men. So, I guess, maybe in the same sort of way, you feel disappointed when your exgirlfriend doesn't do what you want her to do when you need it most. When we survivors are going through recovery, we can become very focused on our needs (very understandably) and it is hard to be loving and giving to our partners. It just isn't in us to give. So much of our energy is taken over by just surviving.

Hang in there. You are not put on this earth to be there for other's sexual needs. You have every right (as we all do) to look for support from the abuse you have suffered. It is a difficult process. I wouldn't wish it upon my worst enemy. But, you know what...I think we can overcome it.

I am here if you want support to chat.

Tina. :)

June 2016

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