I'm not here to just please you
He says to feel all the feelings of the events but not too much. To not do a memory at night unless I complete it but then asks why I am not emailing him anymore. He wishes my brother is dead. Says he is glad he is dead and I jump to the defence of the boy who hurt me.
I feel like I am failing all over the place. I feel like all I am good for is having sex with others. An ex-girlfriend came over and we started drinking. Everything was fun until we lay down to cuddle and she fell asleep. And I got triggered about being trapped in bed with my brother. Always having to please the other person first and I snapped. Told her to get out and walk home in the rain. That I am tired of her doing this to me all the time. Expecting me to hold her in my arms until she sleeps because it makes her feel loved.
And I got resentful of all the times I've asked her to do that for me - or to talk to me during sex which she can't do - or to touch me a certain way because just because we have the same body parts it doesn't mean we have the same reactions - and she failed over and over again at doing it.
So I kicked her out and cancelled the phone plan I gave her and told her to keep all my stuff and probably am acting irrationally but I'm tired of feeling like I'm just a body to be used for someone's pleasure. I'm tired of always defaulting to be the one who gives pleasure.
I'm rambling but I'm tired of the lack of support in my life. Where the only person I have is my therapist and he doesn't even understand that I am not at a place where I can hate my brother.