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Posted by kanata , 07 March 2012 · 89 views

I could write this in my journal but I feel like I just need to get this out of here, out of my head, out of my house.

I've been choking all day and no one notices. Odd that. How I can be feeling like my veins are going to explode out my neck and that I'm sucking in air through a straw yet have "normal" conversations with people around me. I'm really doubting my survival rate here.

Oh, I know that I'm not going to die but I fear going back to the person I was. Emotionally shut off. Dead to the world. Unable to feel even physical pain. So repressed except when anger would burst through and physical fights would result. I can see myself drifting back that way. I just want to shut it down inside and hide it there where it has been for twenty years.

Feeling stupid for ever having the nerve to tell anyone as it has just made it worse. I was doing so well in therapy before this ever came out. Recovering from depression. Now, I don't know.

I find myself thinking horrible thoughts. Wishing that my dog (who is my saviour) was gone so then I could go too. Feeling burdened by her when all I want to do is sit in the corner and cry.

But then I can't do that in this house. People call emotions stupid here. Talk over me and actually walk away when I'm in mid sentence if I ever veer near the topic of any emotion. Must be nice. Must be pleasant. Must never offend, inconvience someone. Must handle all situations without emotions. To have a feeling in reaction to something is wrong.

My therapist helps but after 4:30 I am alone. Public health has no access. Doubly so since my phone is broken and I can't phone any of the 1800 numbers on the family phone for fear of discovery. I tried painting these feelings but it just made it worse.

I need everyone here to go away so I can use the phone, but then, heh, if I use the phone while my dog is around she tries to sit on my head. At least, she can still make me smile. I'm an awful person for thinking such things about her.

February 2016

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