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I recently have come back from a major meltdown. Never had one that was as bad as it was and believe me I have had some nasty ones. This one scared me on how deep I went and where I wanted to go.
So the night before my typical schedule of seeing her the next day, after I told her I quit at my prior session, she calls (my T). I told her I think that I should come in, she held my time. Sometimes I see her as a God-send. The other times I get in the way of that insight.
Not really sure why or when I started going into my spiral, but damn if I don't know when I am head deep in it. Head deep in the muck that is so thick that nothing matters and it will never get any better. Then hope rears it's ugly little ( at the time it was ugly) head once again, like it has so many times before and so here I am once again. Talking here on Pandy's, feeling a little bit more open then the last time I was here.
I wonder if that is how it has to work for me. Jump in, get the feet wet, then jump tenfold back, only to jump back in except this time up to my knees. Perhaps a little stronger, a little more capable and willing. I have said it before but coming here, with the knowledge that I have no secrets I have to keep to myself leaves me with a place to breath. Something like that anyways. That being here, I find a common ground that I do not have within my world beyond Pandy's and I have to say that it's something that I am really starting to cherish.
I wonder how does one cultivate that, not only with a passionate friend but with friends and family also. I've read that some of you are fortunate in that you have somebody by your side, supporting you, Loving you through those deep and dark times and I am happy that you have that in your life and the importance of having that gives it that much more depth and intimacy that is shared.
Anyways, I'm just putting my thoughts somewhere else besides my head. I am glad to be back even though I really should be getting some things done instead of spending way to much time here at Pandy's. Like going shopping before picking my mother up from the airport.
OK, I am done, ( I think). I Hope this day brings comfort and peace of mind to each and every one of you.
So the night before my typical schedule of seeing her the next day, after I told her I quit at my prior session, she calls (my T). I told her I think that I should come in, she held my time. Sometimes I see her as a God-send. The other times I get in the way of that insight.
Not really sure why or when I started going into my spiral, but damn if I don't know when I am head deep in it. Head deep in the muck that is so thick that nothing matters and it will never get any better. Then hope rears it's ugly little ( at the time it was ugly) head once again, like it has so many times before and so here I am once again. Talking here on Pandy's, feeling a little bit more open then the last time I was here.
I wonder if that is how it has to work for me. Jump in, get the feet wet, then jump tenfold back, only to jump back in except this time up to my knees. Perhaps a little stronger, a little more capable and willing. I have said it before but coming here, with the knowledge that I have no secrets I have to keep to myself leaves me with a place to breath. Something like that anyways. That being here, I find a common ground that I do not have within my world beyond Pandy's and I have to say that it's something that I am really starting to cherish.
I wonder how does one cultivate that, not only with a passionate friend but with friends and family also. I've read that some of you are fortunate in that you have somebody by your side, supporting you, Loving you through those deep and dark times and I am happy that you have that in your life and the importance of having that gives it that much more depth and intimacy that is shared.
Anyways, I'm just putting my thoughts somewhere else besides my head. I am glad to be back even though I really should be getting some things done instead of spending way to much time here at Pandy's. Like going shopping before picking my mother up from the airport.
OK, I am done, ( I think). I Hope this day brings comfort and peace of mind to each and every one of you.
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1 Comments On This Entry
i'm glad you're back. it sounds like things have been really rough. i can relate to the jump forward/back. my t says it's pretty normal. anyway it sounds like you're feeling somewhat better and i'm glad to hear it. comfort and peace to you too.
pink,
16 April 2012 - 08:39 PM
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