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I can't really say that it's an onset to my depression, although I can't say it isn't. Not feeling to much of anything at this moment. I use the word lost because I always knew where I was for the longest of time. Depressed, hateful (mostly to myself) and to others but they didn't know. Self loathing, filled with negativity and doubt, fear, the fear that God absolutely detested me and put me in the position for hell to come to my door at 7 or 8 years old. I have always known where I was, misery at it's best, while begging for death to come my way.
Now, I don't know where I am. Lost is the only word that I can give it right now. I am uncomfortable with it, it's an unfamiliar place and I am not sure what to make of it.
I stopped for a moment, and I don't like where I am going in my head with this so I need to stop thinking about it. Which sparks the thought of is that where all of my troubles start and stop, the thoughts I have and what I make of them.
I don't know, but I wish this would all be over with and that I can move on and live somewhat of a happy life. Tired of being alone, tired of the abstinence, tired of turning over stone after stone after stone.
That's enough for now.