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Grandpa's gone

Posted by beansy , 21 February 2013 · 19 views

I've been scared of this happening for 10 years or longer. My mother is so unstable as it is, losing her father can only make her more so. He's been supporting her financially for the last thirty years. It has been a looming disaster, and I have been waiting, fearing this time for soo long. And it's happening now. And I'm so sad to lose my amazing grandpa, but I'm weirdly relieved. No more waiting.

The scariest parts of this are:

1) My mother's reaction. I've been worried that without my grandpa she might kill herself. She's tried several times before. And if she doesn't do that, whether or not she'll binge on alcohol or drugs. That seems like it's not even a question. She will, just to what extent, I don't know.

2) What to say to my mother. I haven't talked to her, I haven't sent her anything. It sounds awful but I can't call her, I have no idea what to say. We don't talk.

3) Flying back to my home town. I hate it there. I hate the city and I hate my life there. Every time I return I come back a total mess. I want to be there for my siblings though.

4) Seeing my stepfather at the funeral. I haven't seen him in over 10 years. I'm currently going through therapy in part because of the sexual abuse he inflicted. My mother doesn't know about that as far as I know. And even if she does, I don't think she cares. He'll be there.

5) Saying goodbye to my grandpa. I love him so much. That will be hard.

6) Screwing up my school semester. Going back home will throw me for a total loop. I am almost certainly going to suffer in grades and maybe even my ability to do the work.

So, yeah. This is the nightmare I have been avoiding. But at least I don't have to wait anymore.. :unsure:

November 2014

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