Continual vivid dreams
In one, a good friend of mine kept refusing to spend time with me. I hadn't seen him in ages and I wanted him to spend time with me so badly - then he pulled me on top of him and all of a sudden he was inside of me. I felt like it wasn't what I expected or wanted, but I wanted his attention so much that I felt happy.
That dream seems like a metaphor for all the relationships I've had where I felt that to keep someone's attention I need to accept whatever offers they make me. As long as I'm getting *some* attention then I feel like the natural way of things is that I have to make a sacrifice for it.
I have a strange relationship with attention. I never feel more uncomfortable than when I have someone's total attention on me, or several people's. But I crave attention all the time. I crave my boyfriend's attention all the time. I feel guilty about it, but I want him to care about what I'm doing all the time. I guess that's kind of my inner child speaking, saying that she didn't get the attention she needed when she needed it.
But how do you give her the attention she needs? I read a really helpful post in here about how to treat yourself kindly, and be patient with yourself. I feel like that comes so unnaturally to me. But I guess it's just practise. When I give myself the time I feel I need to heal - sitting around the house, drawing, writing - I feel so lazy and useless.
I guess I fear that if I lost that voice telling me I'm lazy and useless that I would *actually* be lazy and useless. There would be no one 'patrolling' the situation, judging it to make sure that it's in order.
I honestly don't think it's the voice of my mother or my father. Neither of them seem to care what's going on with me. I think it's a substitute voice that I invented, that kind of 'parents' me, because my own parents concern was basically that I graduated high-school. After that they were unwilling to give me suggestions or offer any critical insight into anything I do.
That voice has been kind of a guiding force, in a way. But right now it feels destructive. It feels like it's on autopilot.
It seems OK to try and replace it with a more caring voice. I'm an adult, and I *get* it. If I don't work hard, if I'm lazy then life will be harder and less certain.
But I think I know that, and don't need that patrolling voice telling me anymore.
Anyways, I guess right now I'm going to try to let my inner child who loves that attention kind of let her voice be heard and indulge her.. Whatever that will turn out to be.