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I think I got my heart broken when I was a kid and I tried to talk to her and she was too high to have a conversation with me. When I realized that there was nothing in her life that was worth keeping "tuned in" for. She broke my heart when she read my diary and then showed it to my father - just to humiliate me.
I've been reading about borderline personality disorder, and all the traits fit her personality. My therapist says that BPD patients most often have a trauma in their lives, or abandonment issues. My mother was abandoned by her own mother at a young age - as a baby. (She abandoned me when I was 11). She doesn't share anything about her life, so I know very little. She says she's had a hard life. My sister recently told me that my mother shared that she was raped when she was 18, and that she had an illegal abortion. Her first husband died when she was my age.
Writing this out, it makes sense that she is who she is. She refused to seek treatment, after a short stint at a mental hospital where she (it seems) was traumatized even more. She was raised Catholic and she has all kinds of strange preoccupations about sex.
As a person - I feel sorry for her. I think it is terrible that she has lived such a hard life, and that a lot of her behaviour is explainable.
But as a daughter - I hate her. I hate what she's put me through. I hate that she's never been able to claim responsibility for her actions. If she had just left my life that would have been easier. But instead she just came in and out of my life at random intervals. Her boyfriend "fell in love" with me, and helped give me crippling emotional issues. She has asked me for money, asked me for food, asked me for cigarettes, asked me to help her help her help her for the last 17 years.
And I've just had to watch her fall apart.. slowly and surely.. become a fractured pile of hate and vitriol and paranoid delusions.
I think she knows about my CSA. I think she doesn't care. Because it is about what *she* wants. She wants my stepfather back in her life, at any cost.
She literally told me that life only gets worse. When I was a kid I told her "the purpose of life is to have fun." And she said "That will change when you get older. Life only gets worse."
The worst part of my life are the parts that involve her. Maybe things will get *harder* sometimes but in almost every way my life has gotten better since I escaped my household and the vicinity of my mother.
I wish I could just disown her. :angry:/>