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beansy's Blog


Feeling love/anger for abuser

Posted by beansy , 22 January 2013 · 11 views

I cried a lot yesterday, writing my blog post about my abuser. What I felt was total love and the pain that he had betrayed me so much.

It worries me that that love can feel so strong still. In a perfect world I would hate him. But I missed him so much when I was writing. Maybe its better that I love him. I dont like the feeling of hating people.

My lov...


Panic attack/body memories

Posted by beansy , 22 January 2013 · 28 views

I couldn't stop feeling strange the other night. No matter how much I wrote, or meditated or distracted myself, I couldn't feel better. I felt angry at nothing. Just felt entirely angry. When I went to bed, I started to slip into a panic attack. I can't speak when I'm having an anxiety or panic attack. This is frustrating for people around...


Hello Time Bomb

Posted by beansy , 21 January 2013 · 10 views


I remember you dropping me off at elementary school in your little spitfire. D and I were so small you would buckle us together in the passenger seat. You got us strudels from a corner store and milk boxes for lunch. The kids at school were afraid of you, but I wasn't. I didn't think that you should be mean to my older sister, but I loved y...

January 2013


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