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random bouts of anger

06 February 2013
Posted by beansy  
So now I'm feeling mad. Every once in a while I start to feel really mad but I feel like there's no place to put it. In therapy I always shy away from getting angry. It's so hard to get angry in front of people.

I wanted to yell at someone today, out of the blue I just got so angry - rageful even. But theres no one to yell at. So I...
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Posted by beansy  
I'm hoping that writing will help me out of the rut I'm in. So I'm just going to continue doing that.

Before therapy yesterday I felt out of control, helpless against my mother's actions. But after therapy I realized that I am an adult and I never have to talk to her again if I don't want to. I never have to see my stepfather...
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Posted by beansy  
I'm in the second to last semester of my bachelor's degree, but I can't find the motivation to do anything. It feels pathetic because I'm so close to the end, and I can't keep the end in sight. I guess that might be a normal reaction, considering how bleak the possibility of getting a good job off the bat with a liberal arts...
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Posted by beansy  
I cried a lot yesterday, writing my blog post about my abuser. What I felt was total love and the pain that he had betrayed me so much.

It worries me that that love can feel so strong still. In a perfect world I would hate him. But I missed him so much when I was writing. Maybe its better that I love him. I dont like the feeling of hating...
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Panic attack/body memories

22 January 2013
Posted by beansy  
I couldn't stop feeling strange the other night. No matter how much I wrote, or meditated or distracted myself, I couldn't feel better. I felt angry at nothing. Just felt entirely angry. When I went to bed, I started to slip into a panic attack. I can't speak when I'm having an anxiety or panic attack. This is frustrating for...
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Hello Time Bomb

21 January 2013
Posted by beansy  
TO M.

I remember you dropping me off at elementary school in your little spitfire. D and I were so small you would buckle us together in the passenger seat. You got us strudels from a corner store and milk boxes for lunch. The kids at school were afraid of you, but I wasn't. I didn't think that you should be mean to my older sister, but I...
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