Jump to content

beansy's Blog


Cousin's attack memories flaring up **Triggering

Posted by beansy , 10 March 2014 · 111 views


My step-cousin was r*ped and murdered around 8pm on a weekday in 1995. I was only 10 maybe. I only recently have thought that this might have a lot to do with my fear of walking around at night. I didn't know her very well, but I remember playing nintendo with her a few times...


Grandpa's gone

Posted by beansy , 21 February 2013 · 40 views

I've been scared of this happening for 10 years or longer. My mother is so unstable as it is, losing her father can only make her more so. He's been supporting her financially for the last thirty years. It has been a looming disaster, and I have been waiting, fearing this time for soo long. And it's happening now. And I'm so sad to lose my...


Scared of falling apart again

Posted by beansy , 18 February 2013 · 76 views

I'm terrified of getting depressed again. It seems like it's just always around the corner. When I get depressed my memory and my cognitive skills are ridiculously lowered. This weekend I went to the *wrong* airport to pick up a friend, and then planned all week to take her to a market that was CLOSED when we arrived. That coupled with a bunch of...


Foggy head

Posted by beansy , 13 February 2013 · 31 views

Not sure if this is normal (but what is normal anyways?). Every time I think about writing a paper or getting focused on school my brain just fogs up. It's like dissociation - my brain just fogs up and I can't think, I don't feel present.

I remember feeling like that in high-school. Being so absorbed and constantly damaged by spending time...



Posted by beansy , 12 February 2013 · 44 views

I woke up this morning and dressed, and I had memories of me as a really little girl, maybe 3 or 4, and my sister dressing me up like a doll. I just remember the feeling of her attention. I loved having her attention! I used to follow her around the house constantly. That feeling of being with her is so peaceful and sweet. She used to get impatient wi...


Poem: gentle thief

Posted by beansy , 11 February 2013 · 48 views

You let that moon-light hit me
Slap my thighs, that you laid bare.

But you acted gentle. You acted gentle.

You hid all that wrong behind soft
touches and the pretence

that everything was fine

As long as you were gentle.

You taught me that you can
softly, tenderly
humiliate, denigrate, salivate

all at once.

You can use soft lips to
rip open someone...


Sex and saying no **Trigger possibility**

Posted by beansy , 11 February 2013 · 54 views

I told my T I have very little ability to say no to sex with my boyfriend. He's not pushy, not at all. But if he wants it, I just think "I can probably get in the mood." I just can't imagine how to tell him no. Sometimes I do it when I'm really not feeling up to it and I know I'll probably have a panic attack, but I do it anyways....


Fighting back

Posted by beansy , 10 February 2013 · 18 views

I have lots of dreams now where I turn on my (fictional dream) attackers, and/or I develop special powers to fight back. Last night was no exception. Every dream I remember involves me fighting back against a force that I find frightening. It feels empowering. My ability to be assertive is coming slowly, but there's definitely progress happening. I th...


Continual vivid dreams

Posted by beansy , 08 February 2013 · 34 views

Wow, I don't usually remember several dreams in a row. But the last few nights I remember several dreams, every time I wake up (I wake up a few times in the night). They're so vivid. My therapist says I should think about the dreams I'm having.

In one, a good friend of mine kept refusing to spend time with me. I hadn't seen him in ages an...



Posted by beansy , 07 February 2013 · 27 views

My friend once told me that he thinks that a broken heart is healthy. That everyone needs a broken heart. I thought I was lucky because I'd never been dumped, I'd never even trusted anyone I dated enough to get a broken heart. But looking back, I think my heart broke early - for my mother.

I think I got my heart broken when I was a kid and I trie...

July 2016

242526272829 30

Recent Entries

Recent Comments


Pandora's Aquarium, Inc. is not intended to be a substitute for professional assistance. All members and visitors are encouraged to establish a relationship with a trained counselor, therapist, or psychiatrist. Pandora's Aquarium, Inc. offers rape and sexual abuse survivor-to-survivor support only. Despite any qualifications staff or members possess, they are not engaged in a professional relationship with any other member. Survivors in crisis are urged to seek local help by contacting 911 or their local rape crisis center. Use of this website constitutes acceptance of the Terms of Service located here.