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I really was. I was having a really good streak. I wasn't thinking about anything icky, and I wasn't spazzing out every time someone touched me, and then I had a meltdown. two, actually. I almost punched my boyfriend.
I apparently have a problem with people touching my back. I've always been squicked by people being behind me, but now it's worse. Now, when a partner touches me on my back, if we're in a sexual situation, I freak the fuck out. I was actually shaking. Felt sick to my stomach, too. It was awful. Worst part is, I've never freaked like that in front of my boyfriend. I really don't want him thinking I'm some kind of....freaky liar or something.
Come to think on it, I think the reason I freaked out with him was because I was already on edge. Earlier in the day, I found out that my former house-mate had stolen my 9mm. So I was pissed. And then I drove for 2 hours to get to the bf's house, so it's late, I'm tired, and annoyed. And then, as we're getting ready for bed, and I tell him I'm cold, he makes comments about how we're going to take care of it.
We have a very strange sexual relationship. He doesn't initiate sex, and neither do I. We kind of dance around the topic until someone breaks and does something overtly sexual. But this time, it felt like he was basically saying that we were having sex and that's the end of it.
Don't get me wrong, I wanted to have sex with him, I just...that's not how we normally do things, and I guess it scared me a little. I'm sure he would have stopped if I'd said no, but I never say no.
I apparently have a problem with people touching my back. I've always been squicked by people being behind me, but now it's worse. Now, when a partner touches me on my back, if we're in a sexual situation, I freak the fuck out. I was actually shaking. Felt sick to my stomach, too. It was awful. Worst part is, I've never freaked like that in front of my boyfriend. I really don't want him thinking I'm some kind of....freaky liar or something.
Come to think on it, I think the reason I freaked out with him was because I was already on edge. Earlier in the day, I found out that my former house-mate had stolen my 9mm. So I was pissed. And then I drove for 2 hours to get to the bf's house, so it's late, I'm tired, and annoyed. And then, as we're getting ready for bed, and I tell him I'm cold, he makes comments about how we're going to take care of it.
We have a very strange sexual relationship. He doesn't initiate sex, and neither do I. We kind of dance around the topic until someone breaks and does something overtly sexual. But this time, it felt like he was basically saying that we were having sex and that's the end of it.
Don't get me wrong, I wanted to have sex with him, I just...that's not how we normally do things, and I guess it scared me a little. I'm sure he would have stopped if I'd said no, but I never say no.
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I was doing so well, too.
on Apr 30 2012 10:36 PM
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