My body deceives me
Andthen...my body responded. It has been a few days since we last hadsex. He has been so busy. I was so wet. I continually deny this“restlessness”. It doesn't take long for my body to crave sex.There is a part of me that wishes to deny myself this “pleasure.”
Emotionally,mentally and spiritually, I desire intimacy. I want to be held,hugged, kissed and softly caressed. This is the feeling I have mostoften. I want the G-rated version. Of course, there are those timeswhen I desire the R-rated version...crazy, hot sex. My body and myhormones desire this primal instinct within me. I wishI could go without it sometimes. Then, I wouldn't have to deal withall the emotions that come up before, during and thereafter.
Sometimes,I feel sex is the way to “give” myself to my loving husband. I feel as a manhe needs and desires this from me. I feel he deserves this from me.He would never force me. If I say no, he'll give me a soft kiss andleave me be. Essentially, I feel I'm doing it FOR HIM and not formyself. I want to make him happy. I want him to be happy and sexuallysatiated. It does feel nice. I know my body needs it. I know it'shealthy and physically I feel better afterward. Helping him helps meas well.
Ijust wish I didn't have these feelings of guilt. I feel violated.When he playfully fondles me during the day I pull away. I giggle it off. I try todistract him with other things because I just want him to stop, yethe's doing nothing wrong. I don't want to be aroused. I don't want tofeel aroused. I don't want to be touched in that way...until “I”want it. Still, that doesn't seem fair to him.
Ihate how easily my body deceives me. I hate that I can so easily bearoused, yet in reality I don't get wet all that quickly because mythoughts get in the way. It's more the sensation. I feel that I“will” be aroused. I feel myself becoming turned on and I don'twant to be. I don't want it. Mostly, I can turn it off and feelnothing. I can make myself numb. I can detach myself. My body is nota part of me. It is not who I am. It is not all that I am. I justdon't want to do ANY of it. I want it stop. I don't want to FEEL anyof that. I don't want to confront these feelings continuously.
And afterward...I went into a rather peaceful sleep... My body deceives me...