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Just a child

26 February 2012
Posted by Szilvia 
I spent the last 4 hours talking, crying and then...sobbing uncontrollably. My poor boyfriend just sat there listening and then he held me. I let him hold me for a bit and then I just felt ridiculous.

I know more than one man molested and raped me consistently as a child, but most often the image that pops up is my father's face. Obviously it's disturbing to see my father raping me when it wasn't him. Although I know it wasn't him, but I've not yet identified the culprits.

I realize now that I tried telling my grandmother and great-grandmother, but it was not taken seriously. I guess they assumed or hoped I was lying (making up stories) or that I'd simply forget in time. I'm really not sure and they are no longer alive to tell me what they were thinking at the time. I guess I've waited far too long to let all this out.

I guess I wasn't ready. For those of you with child sexual abuse history, do you remember all the details? How did you cope? Please, share. I would like to know so I don't feel so ridiculous.

Thanks for listening/reading.
Take care.
Ciao...xo,
Szilvia

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5 Comments On This Entry

I had many abusers, man and woman sexually abused me. I remember little flashes, flash backs, pictures. I talk to my therapist about them often, my therapist is often interested in them. She thinks it's important for me to talk about them. My mother knows about the abuse but no details, and has never said anything about it since I said it happend to me. I remember many things that happend to me more details than I care to remember, and the more I deal with it the more I remember. I have a lot of mental disorders and see a lot of professionals right now so I get help and I'm on meds too. Anyways if you need to talk write back, I not on much but write back. Take care, Goofy17 :confused:
Goofy17, 26 February 2012 - 11:47 PM
I don't remember all the details, of the (:trigger: warning for mention of the m word) m*l*s*a*i*n by my physical therepist, just that when he was "helping" me it didn't feel right. I hid this from my mom for 9 yrs. (I was 16 and in 9th grade when I told). I've been in therepy for it ever since.
blondie2002, 27 February 2012 - 01:21 PM
I am a CSA survivor by the evil stepfather and a female cousin. I am also a survivor of a date r*Pe. I remember every ughly detail of cousin and date but only one in complete detailed and many flashes of memory of the evil stepfather. I still have flashes of memory that are new to me now that I must have shoved down deep then.

Take good care of you. Blessings
bellachai, 27 February 2012 - 01:53 PM
It's sad to hear the pain of others. Please, keep in touch...
Take care and thank you for reading my blog...
Ciao...xo,
Szilvia
Szilvia, 14 March 2012 - 02:34 PM
It's wonderful to be held when life feels overwhelming. I'm glad your boyfriend was there for you. I don't remember every detail of my CSA. I have only bits and pieces of several events. It used to drive me insane because I wanted to know everything about what happened to me. I dream about it, or relive memories, when my life is unstable. The feelings of being unsafe brings most of it back to the surface for me. Every time I have to deal with major upheaval in my life I have nightmares. I cope with the memories by writing in my journal, blogging here, and talking with a T.
http://www.pandys.or...default/hug.gif
cordeliaVorkosigan, 02 May 2012 - 09:19 AM
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