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Posted by Newstart87 , 10 April 2013 · 130 views

I have been having a lot of flashbacks and many nightmares that are purely sexual, but I know I need to be intimate with my partner. She never pressures me or anything and she is always there to listen, but I know the hints even if they are small. I told her I was having a hard day yesterday so there was no pressure put on me. I have started to wear my layers of clothing again only taking off one of my shirts when I am at the house. I hate that she has to deal with my "episodes" I am supposed to be trying to be nicer to myself as homework for my therapy sessions but it isn't all that easy. I can have sex while disconnecting myself but my partner knows I am able to do that and has said that she never wants for that to happen between us; in fact the first time it ever did she got really upset with me for being intimate when I didn't truly want to. What she doesn't seem to understand is that I could go for weeks without being intimate in any way, without even so much as a hug. One of my big things is I have always been used in some ways as a "fuck" and nothing more so that is why I taught myself to distance myself from these sort of emotions. I know I could do it with my partner and not have that empty gut feeling that I would after having to do it just because they wanted me to.

If she found out though it would cause us to have issues in that part of our relationship and we don't have any problems for the first time in a veryyyyyy long time I am happy and I just don't want to mess things up because I am in a sexual rut so to speak. I want to show her I desire her but cant say that I will be turned on. That only makes me sound sooooo screwed up inside my head. To want to have sex with your partner even when your not in a sexual mood?? WTF??? Shes afraid of me losing interest when I get this way when it is nothing even close to that and I am not a very open person so it is hard to talk about such things. I mean on the net you don't see me or even know me so it makes it that much easier to just say what I feel. That is also a weird thing for me to be able to talk to complete strangers but not someone who I want to spend my life with. I am so confused on what to do right now. How do you look at your partner and say" I am still really into you but right now sex just makes me thinks of my abusers penis" ya it isn't dinner conversation in any way. This also plays into one of my fears that she will leave me if I am not sexual with her which for me is a constant fear. Of course my next therapy session isn't until the 30th. Hell I am finding it hard to trust my therapist even. I feel like such a tool when I go into her office and start talking about sex like I am such a pervert for even having these type of problems. Sex is a touchy subject for me....just adds to my already crazy assness. Not to mention the completely vivid sex dreams that I have. It almost seems as if this whole "healing" thing is making it worse because atleast when I hid it and keep it all in I didn't have to worry about all this other shit I was so cut off from any type of emotion to begin with in the first place.

July 2016

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