It seems I am having quiet the bad day today....I cant seem to shake the emotion of wanting to just sit and cry about what has happened to me in my past. I am a criminal justice major in college and come into contact with a lot of cases that are alot like my own and ride books, watch movies...etc One movie in particular seem to get to me it was filmed in 1990 maybe because I was so young in that year or alot of what the kids testify in that case happened to me as well. I don't know the reason why I cant shake it but that movie brung me to tears and my therapist says its ok to feel....its ok to just sometimes let your emotions show, but its hard. Its hard for me to just sit there and have the tears come out to just accept that maybe its ok the I feel everything I do and that its ok for me to remember. I hate to though I hate to remember. I cant stand to close my eyes and see visual pictures of what I went through. Oddly enough watching that movie just made me focus on how could my mother not notice??? How could anyone in my family not see what was happening? I try so hard to not hate them for it but even today I have no relationship with the person who did these things to me and my family just rules it off as we don't speak because I came out when I was 18. Even before that i cut this person out of my life. How can I hate and love people at the same time I just don't understand it. I want so much to be able to atleast be able to talk to some people in my family about what happened but god rest his soul they would just blame it on my father. I cant seem to be strong today I want nothing more than to just curl up in a ball and disappear from the world.......but I know I'm doing better because even as I sit here and type this I am crying. Which may not mean most to some but it means alot to me because I never used to be able to feel this I never used to feel anything. It hurts, and I can say that and its ok that it hurts. Being able to type a blog on here rather than drink or self-harm I can sit here and just block out the world for a minute, to just let myself feel, even if it is pain atleast it is something. I cant say that I will ever be ok but I know that one day I will be able to turn to other sources and not the ones I used to. I just hope one day that I am strong enough to look my family who protects people of such low disgusting criteria of people that do these things and tell them how I feel and that I wish to never speak to them again. I do beleieve that day is far away but atleast now I feel as if it is getting closer.