Not even sure what to say..... its like everything that has happened to me over the past two years has now decided that I should deal with it. Thanks for telling me emotions would of been nice to have had some sort of heads up before this all went down. I am a mess at work I cant even do the easy everyday life things like get out of bed. I thought i had a good way of dealing, you know the way when you put it way down deep and never deal with it well that was my way and now that I seemed to open some sort of bottle its like the rest of them want their chance to pour out. I cant have that I have been dealing just fine ok well maybe not dealing but you know it kinda works for me putting my fake smile on pretending everything in my life is ok and that I don't have a care in the world. Whats so wrong with that??? I mean the rock industry makes a good living off of me for all the angry go shoot yourself music I buy. Seems as if as I get older it doesn't seem to get better it just seems to keep getting worse and I cant deal with that this whole wanting to talk out how I feel and acknowledge my feelings has gotten me no where in life and now its consuming me and it makes it very hard to hide it and just get the fuck on with my life. I thought by now I could deal with what happened to me and the facts of losing the people I have in my life but to tell you the truth I have had some very shitty luck for the past two years of my life but I don't bitch about it or whine I just shove it all in a jar and place it gently down deep inside of me so why the hell is it trying to come out now??? why is it trying to show me whos boss?? Just when you think you may have a hold on things that you may be able to start to handle one thing in your life that's when they all want to just spring from the trap you have set within yourself. This month is hard for me and I understand that so I try and let my body have its little whoa is me time and then get on with my life but why isn't it that easy this time around? Why cant I just tell that little voice that I will be ok....when I know right about now im not...im not ok and that isn't ok because I have to be ok. I am the person that isn't aloud to have the bad day I am not aloud to BREAK but yet it seems as if I have no choice and I don't do well with that I always have a choice and have made sure of that since what happened but it doesn't seem to be all that easy this time around. I find it hard even when I am at work unloading the trucks to not just start crying and I am not weak... I am not that person that brings my small problems to work and cant get past them. i hate it I hate that I cant control myself anymore and I always know what happens when I lose control I want to regain it ya i know big shock right but when I want to regain it I do the one thing I know that works and that is self harming it grounds me it helps me when there is no one there to help me and that seems to be happening a lot no one being there me all of a sudden alone which is a weird thing for me because I see myself being there for a lot of other people talking their calls and texts when they need me and yet when i turn to them which I try to make on a seldom bases they aren't there.........That thought is back the one that sits there and pressures me to answer the question...can I do this anymore? I don't know if I can answer it the way so many people want me to and if I don't answer it the way they want I am in the wrong, there is something wrong with me. it doesn't matter if they know my life's history doesn't matter if they see me go through the pain i do its still so wrong in their eyes. I cant just open up and say what is truly in my heart I cant open up and tell them the things they will never understand. How do you communicate to people when you don't even speak the same language the answer is you don't because no matter how hard you try you will never get the point across and you will always piss them off because they cant understand you. So ya I am having a hard time dealing, worse than I have ever had before and I don't know how I will make it but I always do and the people around me may not even notice. I just wish I had that one person that I wouldn't hurt that I could speak freely and they just listen because I am drowning in my own thoughts and I am to proud to admit because I cant break, I cant be the weak one if I was who would be there for everyone else?