Today has been a good day so I don't know why I am having the problems I am today. had some nightmares last night and that may have a good deal to do with it, i am having a lot of body issues today where I feel and look fat which doesn't really make sense to me because my nightmares were about what happened to me. I just don't understand because before I feel asleep last night lets just say I ended it on a really good note and thought for sure sleeping the way I was wouldn't be a problem I usually sleep in layers, hell I always wear layers of clothing at all times I am usually wearing six layers of clothing if you count underwear. I don't get what my problem is today I feel as if everyone just looks at me and thinks what a pathetic slob. I hate when I feel like this and don't know how to overcome it. My doctor already doesn't like the weight I am and even though she will tell me that I need to gain all I hear in my head is how fat she thinks I am. i have gained about 7 pounds since I last went to the doctor and i know it just makes me look terrible. I haven't felt this bad about weight in awhile either, I don't want to eat or I catch myself wanting to binge that way I can have a excuse to get sick later. It just seems today I went and put on a top that fit and all I see is how tight the shirt is and how fat it makes me look. Could this be because I had a problem with SI'ing early in the week?? I did make myself eat once today but it seems that my head is controlling me and I cant seem to get past it; I cant stand the way I look today and I just hope I can get it under control before my girlfriend gets home from work I have already worried her enough. I just don't know why my weight is bothering me so much today and usually when this happens it goes on for a few days; I just don't want to worry the people around me and I just had to get it off of my chest. It seems this blogging thing does help clear my head. I am so scared that the way I look will make me lose my gf and she has helped me so much since I have been trying to get help. She reassures me that how I look doesn't play a role in why we are together but I have been used just for sex before and was kinda of used to it and I know how I looked when we first started dating now gaining this weight back has made me start to flip out and worry that if I gain to much that she will leave me. I think that maybe I should back off on what I am eating just for like a week until I can get my self under control maybe that will help me deal a little better. Being overweight was always pressed hard against me when I was growing up but I never went over 115-120 I just don't understand why it is coming back with such a force I just hope that I am not gaining to much weight and I hope that don't lose to much either so it seems I am stuck in a hard place which I'm not sure what to do. I weigh 137 now and am about 5'8" I know that this makes me look terrible maybe I could drop ten pounds and be done with it but I am afraid once I do that I will want to drop ten more.....For now I will just watch what I eat and see if that helps.