Jump to content


having issues today..

Posted by Newstart87 , 30 January 2012 · 66 views

Today has been a good day so I don't know why I am having the problems I am today. had some nightmares last night and that may have a good deal to do with it, i am having a lot of body issues today where I feel and look fat which doesn't really make sense to me because my nightmares were about what happened to me. I just don't understand because before I feel asleep last night lets just say I ended it on a really good note and thought for sure sleeping the way I was wouldn't be a problem I usually sleep in layers, hell I always wear layers of clothing at all times I am usually wearing six layers of clothing if you count underwear. I don't get what my problem is today I feel as if everyone just looks at me and thinks what a pathetic slob. I hate when I feel like this and don't know how to overcome it. My doctor already doesn't like the weight I am and even though she will tell me that I need to gain all I hear in my head is how fat she thinks I am. i have gained about 7 pounds since I last went to the doctor and i know it just makes me look terrible. I haven't felt this bad about weight in awhile either, I don't want to eat or I catch myself wanting to binge that way I can have a excuse to get sick later. It just seems today I went and put on a top that fit and all I see is how tight the shirt is and how fat it makes me look. Could this be because I had a problem with SI'ing early in the week?? I did make myself eat once today but it seems that my head is controlling me and I cant seem to get past it; I cant stand the way I look today and I just hope I can get it under control before my girlfriend gets home from work I have already worried her enough. I just don't know why my weight is bothering me so much today and usually when this happens it goes on for a few days; I just don't want to worry the people around me and I just had to get it off of my chest. It seems this blogging thing does help clear my head. I am so scared that the way I look will make me lose my gf and she has helped me so much since I have been trying to get help. She reassures me that how I look doesn't play a role in why we are together but I have been used just for sex before and was kinda of used to it and I know how I looked when we first started dating now gaining this weight back has made me start to flip out and worry that if I gain to much that she will leave me. I think that maybe I should back off on what I am eating just for like a week until I can get my self under control maybe that will help me deal a little better. Being overweight was always pressed hard against me when I was growing up but I never went over 115-120 I just don't understand why it is coming back with such a force I just hope that I am not gaining to much weight and I hope that don't lose to much either so it seems I am stuck in a hard place which I'm not sure what to do. I weigh 137 now and am about 5'8" I know that this makes me look terrible maybe I could drop ten pounds and be done with it but I am afraid once I do that I will want to drop ten more.....For now I will just watch what I eat and see if that helps.

July 2016

2425 26 27282930

Recent Entries

Recent Comments


Pandora's Aquarium, Inc. is not intended to be a substitute for professional assistance. All members and visitors are encouraged to establish a relationship with a trained counselor, therapist, or psychiatrist. Pandora's Aquarium, Inc. offers rape and sexual abuse survivor-to-survivor support only. Despite any qualifications staff or members possess, they are not engaged in a professional relationship with any other member. Survivors in crisis are urged to seek local help by contacting 911 or their local rape crisis center. Use of this website constitutes acceptance of the Terms of Service located here.