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Nightmares, flashbacks, body memories, memories, hearing things, smelling things, being so fucking scared and so fucking alone. Panic attacks that made me physically sick to the point where I was throwing up bright red blood and my ribs and back felt as if they were broken. That is how I spent my day...trying to survive this. I couldn't move, I honestly thought I was going to die before dinner time....
Me being the horrible friend I am msgd my bf A. I don't know why I feel the need to reach out to him when I am like this because I never make sense to him and he definitely does not understand-although I know he tries to. He also has a lot going on and I feel like the biggest bitch and worst friend in the world dumping my shit on him over and over again. I msgd him last night telling him that I had woken up my landlady due to my screams/crying from the nightmare and how embarassed I was....I was shaking all day and so my msgs looked as though I was either drunk or high (I get that, I can see it). He asked if she checked on me, I said yes. He asked me if I was drunk...I told him no but I wished I was. He told me it seemed like I was. I apologized and told him I was sad. He said he was too...when I asked him what was wrong he said "you're on something. nvm" then told me he would tell me later. It really made me mad that he just assumed I was drunk or high...I explained that I was shaking and him assuming shit is really annoying. Apparently my "texting says it all" I told him the only things I was on were my normal meds and 2 tabs of gravol and advil...that was it. Then I felt like a bitch-he was upset and I wasn't helping by being rude..so I apologized.
He told me it was fine but he had to go to class. An hour and a half later was when things started getting really really bad and when I started throwing up the blood. I msgd him telling him that I thought I needed to go to the hospital but couldn't (I had way too much school work to do-although none of which I was accomplishing/could accomplish in that state). He asked me why, I told him that I was not ok. He asked me what I meant by not okay and when I replied with just not ok he asked me to be specific. So I told him some of what was going on and he asked why. I told him I was scared and he once again asked why....does anyone else feel even more upset when people keep asking why? Like I don't know why but the "whys" just got to be too much to think about...I knew why but I couldn't/can't explain to anyone else in a way that they can comprehend.
I told him "I can't do this anymore" and he asked me what. I said "live like this" and he said "then go get help. Go to the hospital" I told him I couldn't because i was too afraid, too tired and had too much to do to be able to leave my house for any significant amount of time. All he said was "alright then" and when I told him he didn't understand (which I really NEVER EVER want him to...fuck, I'm so selfish) he said he didn't. Then I apologized to him for being such a shitty friend and dumping my shit on him once again and that I really need to stop. He told me he can't take it all day, everyday ( :bawling:/> )
I totally understand, and I know that if I was in his situation and the roles were reversed I too would become very tired of having to hear about/try to deal with the same old shit. It's so stupid. I feel so stupid and like the most horrid person on the face of the earth. He never asked for this...this is my baggage/shit to deal with and he shouldn't have to deal with it on a daily basis. He told me that he feels like he never helps anyway -he really does help more than he knows. :(/> I wish he could see how amazingly special he is and how much I really do love him...Ugh. It's just all so frustrating...
So, I promised A I would get help. I've decided tomorrow that I will ask for an earlier appointment with my school counsellor since she is really the only one I've made somewhat of a connection with and seems to be trustworthy. I have a difficult time talking/telling what is going on and what I'm dealing with and need help with. So I've decided perhaps maybe writing down the things I am struggling with and need help with and what I think I may need.
This is a rough list *I'm such a perfectionist that I need to make a rough draft, FML* Please, someone tell me that this is not a crazy idea or that my list is ok? I feel like if I go in saying this it will almost be like "demanding" or that I won't be believed or they'll just think I'm looking for attention or something...I don't know. BLAH!
in no particular order
1. Sleep- I am terrified of the dark. I recently had a thought that maybe instead of sleeping pills I should be taking some sort of anti-anxiety medication...I have such an intense fear of sleeping/closing my eyes/having nightmares and all of the thoughts etc. and although I do do relaxation exercises, and grounding techniques it just never seems to work...falling asleep, staying asleep, nightmares are the biggest issues I have with sleep
2. Self-injury- I need to stop this. Plain and simple. I seem to have tried everything (I'm writing this with red pen all over me) but nothing seems to replace those feelings...
3. Eating/Not Eating/Purging- I need to learn how to view food as normal, healthy and something I need...something that is good for me. I need to learn how to eat normally. I also need to stop purging. I always feel disgusting after I eat and immediately feel the need to get rid of it A thinks this is psychological...I'm beginning to think he may be right.
4. Mood- My mood is all over the place. I never know how I really feel. I go from being so low that I cannot get out of bed, to being so "high" that when I haven't slept in a day or so I have more energy than when I do have a decent sleep. This can't be normal...I'd also like to know what my diagnosis' are...they seem to change with each different professional I see.
5. Self Esteem- I'd like to not hate myself...
What I need
1. I'd like to see a psychiatrist. I feel as though having an evaluation of some sort would be beneficial. Also, as much as I don't want to be medicated I honestly cannot function "normally" without medication. I don't feel like my current medication is working...so having someone who specializes would be ideal. Perhaps once I have a "solid" diagnosis there will be a better/more effective medication to help
2. I'd like to see a nutritionist. I don't/have never had healthy eating habits or a healthy view of food. Growing up my mother was always dieting. As I got a bit older I would be "dieting" while in dance class etc...I just don't know what is normal I guess...
3. I need to deal with my R&SA....THIS IS THE MAIN THING! I know I need to deal with it...but how can I when I can't speak about it?? The furthest/most I have shared was with the school counsellor oddly enough....I don't know if it would be out of line to ask her to continue getting me to talk about it? I don't know...That is the main issue, the big kahuna if you will....yet it is the thing I am most afraid to talk about/share/deal with. AHH
That is all I have so far....I think it is a pretty good start. Maybe if I shared some of my conversations with A and others it may help her get an idea of how I am when I am having a bad day?
In some weird way I feel slightly better after getting all of this out/down on "paper"....