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January 22, 2012 *read with caution.

Posted by beautiful*disaster , 22 January 2012 · 81 views

[size="1"][/size]I've decided to create a blog on here...I don't know why but for some reason this site feels safer than most in regards to me expressing how I actually feel and of course who, if anyone, will read it.

Another reason I wanted to start blogging is in case anything happens. I guess it is fair to say that lately I have been having lots of SU thoughts. Having an educational background in mental health and addictions and a current social work degree student I know first hand that this is not something to take lightly. That is one side of my mind-the smaller side as of late. The other side of my mind is saying...well we won't get into specifics, but it is currently winning. **Just wanting to assure anyone reading this right now- that I AM NOT going to....**

I know all the warning signs, what to look for, what to ask; plan, means, timeframe. It's frustrating...I feel as though I am fighting an internal war against myself. The healthy sane part of me is saying "you're loved. this is just a rough patch. think of how it will affect them. it will get better". It is so hard to listen to it though, maybe not so much listen as to believe. I don't believe because I don't see/feel cared about, that I am a good person, beautiful, funny...all the lies people tell me.

I've really been scaring myself. Tonight I decided to de-activate my facebook account-as it would be the first step I would take to not existing. This way people will not miss me as much-if at all. On the other hand a part of me wanted to see how long it would take someone to notice...it's been 4 hours and no one has yet said anything. Is that wrong? That I am somewhat upset over no one noticing? In todays society facebook has become an obsession-perhaps even an addiction to some-with so many people playing games, creeping, reading, there are countless things to do on it. Is it wrong that my feelings are hurt over no one noticing that I am gone? It makes me feel as though my point/belief has been proven...no one will notice nor care if and when I am not here anymore.

I've also found myself kind of I guess putting my affairs in order? I've written my notes, encouraged my bf to seek counselling because I want to know that he is and will be okay...and I guess now this....so that if for some reason I am no longer around he will be able to come here and know why. *A, if you're read this ever, just know that I always loved you....always have, always will <3*

I promise to be safe tonight. I have an appointment with my school counsellor in the morning-perhaps I will bring up these feelings with her if I am brave enough. Good night. xxoo


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