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Alters ruining my life

Posted by DTC40 , 21 June 2013 · 131 views

I have a friend that one of my alters has emailed several times and the emails were not nice. My friend called and spoke with my son several weeks ago, she called me tonight and told me that she thought she might have upset him some because she could tell he was upset and told her it was not big deal that he had dealt with my alters all his life. I am wondering now what she said to him. He never told me and I never asked. She asked me could I get my records of when I attempted to integrate my alters, she said she had a friend who was a psychiatrist who might be willing to see me for free. I told her that attempting to integrate my alters was not really an option because the year I attempted to integrate was hell for myself and my kids and there were two suicide attempts by one of my alters. I do not want to go through that again. Even my son said he could hardly stand to see me go through that.

I have the feeling she is only wanting my records to prove whether I really have DID or not. I can understand that it is something that is hard to deal with. My life has been devastated by this disorder. If she has found a psychiatrist that might see me for free then why can she not ask him to see me for an appointment and me give him the medical records instead of her getting a copy of them to read. I told her that she might talk to him and have him explain DID to her. She told me that he is an older psychiatrist, my feelings on this is that older psychiatrist do not really believe in that DID is a real disorder. I may be wrong about this man but it scares me. Also it would not work with me seeing a male psychiatrist there are just things that would not work with me talking about the abuse with a male, my alters would not trust a male.
I care for this person very much she has been apart of my life for almost 30 years. I have know her since she was my teacher when I was 12. We got back in touch with each other around 5 years ago.

She has lived a life where rape and abuse are a foreign concept, do not get me wrong I am thankful for that, I would not wish what I went through on anyone. I am not sure what she thinks. Is she trying to prove I do not really have DID, is she attempting to find a way not to be apart of my life. If that is the reason then just walk away, tell me can not handle the situation. I could handle that more than the constant wondering about what she is thinking. When I asked her once she got real defensive. That was a couple years ago.
Just be honest with me, I am a messed up mental case and you think I am faking because you do not believe in DID. Why would I fake such an awful disabling disorder that has taken my life away.

I barely have anything to live for anyway without someone I love trying discredit me like I am lying. This is why I do not allow people in my life. Why do people want to hurt others just because they can.

Alters is indeed a very, very, difficult diagnoses for people to believe in, even those within the medical field (young and old). It just depends upon training and beliefs, but there are people (male/female, young/old) who believe in losing parts of our self due to trauma or DID. An example of those who believe is found not only in medicine but in Shamanism. It's called soul loss and soul retrieval. I dissociate at times, and have difficulty with memory, and that is scary enough. I can't image trying to live with what you live with. I'm sorry you were not able to integrate at that time and have dealt with so much trauma. I wish there was such a place where you could live safely while having different therapeutic approaches to help you. I'm working with a therapist and a Shaman to help me at present with dissociation. Just what I have to do is so draining that it's hard to think clearly or have energy, but it's helping move me to the next level of healing. I don't share this journey with many people because of lack of understanding. Also I work with females that feel safe. I think your friend truly doesn't get the picture of abuse, or would understand how working with a male could be extremely challenging or impossible for some survivors. I hope you are able to have a conversation with your friend soon, to ask her about your concerns versus trying to figure out her thoughts on your own. Friendships should be open, and I hope you guys can find a place to be soft, kind, and honest without defensiveness. Good luck and take good care!
Thank you so much for your reply. I want to definitely look up Shaman and see what might be available here and at what cost. The place I go here in Fl where I moved has a center but they basically provide medications, no counseling. They give me three medications, one for bi polar, one for depression and one for anxiety. They could careless about handling the issues of DID or abuse. I am glad you posted because I am definitely open to new ideas and ways to help.
Thank you again,
Your welcome. I like the following author and shaman, if that helps you any.


One book that I love and feel is VERY worth reading is the following.

Soul Retrieval: Mending the Fragmented Self (Sandra Ingerman)

Here is another link:


Best Journey to you!

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