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Feeling trapped

Posted by DTC40 , 17 February 2013 · 57 views

I feel so trapped in the situation I am in. I know the saying if you do not like where you are change it. I have worked and worked to change the situation to get things together to move to another state and get away from my ex husband who abused me. It seems that I make one step forward and two steps back. The last set back with paying so much money that I had saved for the cost of moving toward having the motorhome fixed to move in and then going to pick it up and finding out the mechanics were idiots and they had not properly fixed it was just the last straw for me. I want away from him, I want him out of my life.
For the first time in a very long time I am having panic attacks and can not seem to move to get anything done. I am having nightmares about my parents which has not happened in years. It is almost as if all of a sudden all my energy and ability to keep fighting has left me.
I have no idea what to do anymore. I am the parent, I am suppose to be able to face life and figure out which way to turn next.
I grew up believing you have faith in God. I try to keep telling myself it is all in God's plan. Doubt has now become my friend, am I making the wrong decisions? Which way do I turn, where do I go. I guess it really makes me angry that my ex has family, brothers and sisters people in his life. I have no parents, no brothers or sisters no one to turn to for advice no where to go, no one who cares. I have my kiddo's which I love so much. However, I can not turn to them for advice, I do not even like for them to see me scared or cry.

Even though one of my children is an adult and my three girls are all teenagers, they look to Mom to do what is right, make the right decisions. I have tried so hard to take the high road the past three years and now I do not even care. I do not want to answer the phone when he calls, I do not want to see or talk to him. Though he was abusive the 20 years of our marriage, I hate him for leaving. Walking away not caring about the children he brought into this world. I hate myself because I should have been able to do something to make my marriage work. I hate myself for not seeing who he was before I married him. I hate myself that I get up everyday and look into the eyes of my kids and know that I no longer have the ability to trust my decisions. How can I trust my decisions when I messed up the most important decision you can make in life marriage.

I know that I should lay my head on the pillow each night and trust God that he is in control. Yet, my faith was shattered in one moment. It is stupid, a simple thing like a repair on a motorhome and I loose all my ability to function.

I know I am rambling and none of this makes much sense. I can not seem to get my thoughts together correctly or in order.

Feb 17 2013 10:14 AM
You can not make wrong decision in trying to find a path of light in which you tell yourself you do not deserve to be abuse!! You may make, mistakes or trust the wrong people, but those are people you encounter no matter where you go, or how good your life is. It is not a reflection of you ( i know that sounds like a cliche) but it is true. This is how you learn, how your grow, and bring your own self awareness. The human consciousness is a funny and often seems to reveal in its inner most truths in its own time, or what often feels like the wrong timing. You can not heal, until you let your self grieve to feel the pain, it is only than will you be able to move towards peace, and find healing. I know this may not be comforting, and rebuilding your life, seems to come with one struggle after the next, you have been strong up until this point, you have made here, and this is only the beginning of moving towards a better life, I can not say it will get easier, and even in my own experience it seemed to get worse, but it does not mean it won't. It will take time, and you will pull through, and after giving yourself time to heal and process to become stronger mentally, the mountains to over come, one day, you'll look back and think they look more like hills.

January 2015

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