Pandora's Aquarium: Going nuts - Pandora's Aquarium

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Going nuts

Going nuts. It seems like there is just too much stress. I have been in the hospital for complications from the cancer. It has spread to my lungs and I had to be on oxygen because I could not breath or keep my oxygen levels up. I had pneumonia and a bronchial infection. I had to stop smoking, which I know is stupid since I have cancer. The cancer was not caused by my smoking. I guess since I am terminal with bone cancer, what the hell I might as well have one thing I enjoy and I do enjoy smoking, which is another stupid thing.

There is a lot of stress with getting two kids back in college for fall classes. Seems like the stress never ends. Their Dad is a Dad when he wants to be not when he needs to be. Picking them up to go to the library is okay, but watching them on a regular basis or for me to be in the hospital is another thing. I have no one to depend on to step in when there is an emergency and it is making me crazy.

My 19 yr old son is suppose to be saving for college since he dropped out his first go around at college he has to pay back 1,200 in order to return. His grandmother offered to pay 600.00 if he saved the other 600.00. He is just hanging around with friends and blowing his money when he is not at work. I had to have a stern talk with him about responsibility. If he wants to hang around and blow his money then he needs to get a place of his own. I will not carry him financially why he blows his money. He has got to get the 600. together and get hiself back in college or he will be working at a factory the rest of his life, which is okay if that is what he wants. If that is his choice then he needs to move on out into the real world. I guess I am not a good mom throwing my kid to wolves so to speak.

I am just really really frustrated. Everytime I see my ex he starts on about I need to take this vitamin and that vitamin and all these herbs I should be taking. There is nothing wrong with these things. I was ticked and told him I take about five medications for depression, anxiety and DID and the doc has added steriods for the cancer along with antibiotics and breathing treatments and after I swallow all that in the morning and at night, I am sorry if the last thing I want to do is add a handful of vitamins and herbs because you think it is best for me. He was not thinking of my well being or his childrens well being when he walked away with another woman after 20 yrs of marriage. He does not think of mine or the kids well being when I am put in the hospital and he does not watch the three minor children and they have to stay at the hospital with me, when our son is at work on night shift.

I hate Kentucky and I know that is selfish but I want out of this state and back in Florida. I know it sounds morbid but I do not want to die and be buried here. I want to spend my last days sitting on the beach and watching the sun go down over the water. Not in some small hick town that he moved me to so we could be near his family to take care of his parents. That was fine when we were married, but it is not my family anymore and I want to go back home to Florida.
DTC
 

1 Comments On This Entry

For what it's worth, I think you are being the best kind of mom by telling your son he cannot use your resources to live the life he is choosing to live right now.... I think a lot of people give their adult kids way too much support, and enable them to keep living as children for longer than is good for them. Just to give context I am in my 20's, and I'm saying this from the experience of watching a lot of my peers continue to lean heavily on their parents in situations where it really does not seem that there is any need for that.

I hope you are able to get back to Florida and spend what time you have left somewhere you are happy and comfortable. I think at this point it's all about quality of life not quantity, and you should do what will make you happy if it is at all possible.
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