I was trying to run from it but this was the worst one
I left Pandy's and I ran far far away in my mind. I didn't touch my rape or SA with a ten foot pole. And when my monthly depres came around I shoved it to the ground. I pushed it away not letting it touch me not letting myself cope. I just wanted to be strong and I was done with feeling weak. And then it came. I should have realized that I couldn't push it down forever and faced it before it could build up into a debilitating unrelenting hell of a night. It started when I was listening to the song the A team. I kept putting it on replay and I felt myself getting pulled down into a hole but I couldn't stop it. I just kept listening to it over and over and over. Then all I could think of was what those men had done to me. I started balling trying to stifle my sobs but I couldn't. I was finally able to calm down but the hell was far from over. Suddenly I felt like a whore I new I wasn't one but I felt used and abused. I wanted to throw myself against a wall I wanted to cut myself I wanted to down my sorrows in booze. I just wanted to do something self destructive to drown my pain. That is when it usually ended but it didn't. I started feeling dirty and unclean but worse then how I felt right after the attacks. I could feel their hands holding me down. There things shoving inside of me there breath on my face and their words in my ear. I felt disgusting. I felt dirty. I couldn't touch anything. My skin felt gross every nerve ending was amplified. I was left crying, screaming, trembling, and lurching around on my sheets. Everything I touched felt like I was dirtying it, soiling it, covering it in filth because that is what I was, filth. I am surprised I didn't wake anyone up. Finally I gave up i didn't care anymore what they did to me I just layed there feeling their hands hold me down and their body parts assault me while they told me how hot I was. I just layed there and gave up. Finally after a while of just giving up it all subsided and it was done and I felt so much better. But the night was absolute and utter hell. I hope to dear god it never happens again.