Jump to content






Photo

I was trying to run from it but this was the worst one

Posted by Aurora325 , 24 July 2012 · 135 views

:trigger:
I left Pandy's and I ran far far away in my mind. I didn't touch my rape or SA with a ten foot pole. And when my monthly depres came around I shoved it to the ground. I pushed it away not letting it touch me not letting myself cope. I just wanted to be strong and I was done with feeling weak. And then it came. I should have realized that I couldn't push it down forever and faced it before it could build up into a debilitating unrelenting hell of a night. It started when I was listening to the song the A team. I kept putting it on replay and I felt myself getting pulled down into a hole but I couldn't stop it. I just kept listening to it over and over and over. Then all I could think of was what those men had done to me. I started balling trying to stifle my sobs but I couldn't. I was finally able to calm down but the hell was far from over. Suddenly I felt like a whore I new I wasn't one but I felt used and abused. I wanted to throw myself against a wall I wanted to cut myself I wanted to down my sorrows in booze. I just wanted to do something self destructive to drown my pain. That is when it usually ended but it didn't. I started feeling dirty and unclean but worse then how I felt right after the attacks. I could feel their hands holding me down. There things shoving inside of me there breath on my face and their words in my ear. I felt disgusting. I felt dirty. I couldn't touch anything. My skin felt gross every nerve ending was amplified. I was left crying, screaming, trembling, and lurching around on my sheets. Everything I touched felt like I was dirtying it, soiling it, covering it in filth because that is what I was, filth. I am surprised I didn't wake anyone up. Finally I gave up i didn't care anymore what they did to me I just layed there feeling their hands hold me down and their body parts assault me while they told me how hot I was. I just layed there and gave up. Finally after a while of just giving up it all subsided and it was done and I felt so much better. But the night was absolute and utter hell. I hope to dear god it never happens again.



July 2016

S M T W T F S
     12
3456789
10111213141516
171819202122 23
24252627282930
31      

Recent Entries

Recent Comments

Categories

Pandora's Aquarium, Inc. is not intended to be a substitute for professional assistance. All members and visitors are encouraged to establish a relationship with a trained counselor, therapist, or psychiatrist. Pandora's Aquarium, Inc. offers rape and sexual abuse survivor-to-survivor support only. Despite any qualifications staff or members possess, they are not engaged in a professional relationship with any other member. Survivors in crisis are urged to seek local help by contacting 911 or their local rape crisis center. Use of this website constitutes acceptance of the Terms of Service located here.