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why now....

22 April 2012
Posted by Aurora325 
Hes gone.......... But I don't want him to be gone. I went on facebook and I decided I wanted to finally delete my SAer from my fcbk friends. But he is already gone. How.....Why. When did this happen! I don't remember deleting him. I can't even search for him online. He doesn't show up. Did he delete his account?!?!?! Did he block me?! Why is this bothering me so much. FK!! I wanted to check up on him. :down:/> The part of me that is still in love with him after all the abuse wants to know how he is. What he is doing in his life. I want to be able to check up on him from a far away distance with out actual contact. He can't be gone! I feel this weird hollowness inside knowing he is going to live on and I will never know what has happened to him. But the fact that I feel this way disgusts me. I just want to walk up to him scream FUCK YOU in his face slap him then have him hold me close and never let go. I finally got out of the 4 year long abusive friendship/relationship and I just want to run back as fast as I can and jump into his arms. FK U CASEY FK U!....sorry if screaming that offends anyone... :down:/> :blush:/> why why why... :tear:/> This week is sexual assault awareness at my school. I am participating in all the events and the big one for me will be on Friday. Its take back the night on Friday and there will be this big march and I just want there to be someone there to hold me. I want to bring more then a friend to that event. Someone that will squeeze my hand when I get choked up and someone that will let me hide my tears on their shoulder if it gets to be to much. Is that to much to ask. :down:/> But sadly there will be no one that I can do that with so I will have to be strong on my own like usual and instead of having someone to lean on I will be the one that people will lean on. Its not so bad since that is what I always do but this time I want something different. however I could really use some hugs..... :hugsplease:/> please and thank you. I hope everyone else is doing better right now.

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7 Comments On This Entry

I'm sorry to hear this i did the same but instead of running back to him i ran right into someone else. We became good friends but then he was killed i cried for moths and i didnt want to live but i got up and started to talk on websites and stuff i made myself like a human but its still so hard for me dont hold back the tears it will only hurt more if you cry it shows you are strong not weak. keep your head up and smile :yay: And hugs are good but this is all i can do :hug: i hope you go and have someone to go with :)
Emma16, 23 April 2012 - 08:22 AM
:hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:
I understand why you want to see how he's doing in life. It makes sense because y'all were together for a while. It sounds like you loved him, but hated him at the same time. I know how that can be confusing and infuriating. One of my SAers was my best guy friend and I sometimes miss him. There were crappy times, but there were goodtimes too. You didn't have control over letting him go on facebook. That decision was made for you, while you have been deciding on whether to do it or not. It's not surprising that it bothers you.

I think it's good you're yelling! Get it all out! You can't always hold everyone up, sometimes you need a shoulder, like you said. If it makes you feel better, there's going to be a march here too on the same day and I'll be thinking of you :hug:
slb720, 23 April 2012 - 11:14 AM
I'll be cheering you on :thumbsup: :thumbsup: :thumbsup: :yahoo: :yahoo:
Emma16, 23 April 2012 - 03:30 PM

Emma16, on 23 April 2012 - 08:22 AM, said:

I'm sorry to hear this i did the same but instead of running back to him i ran right into someone else. We became good friends but then he was killed i cried for moths and i didnt want to live but i got up and started to talk on websites and stuff i made myself like a human but its still so hard for me dont hold back the tears it will only hurt more if you cry it shows you are strong not weak. keep your head up and smile :yay: And hugs are good but this is all i can do :hug: i hope you go and have someone to go with :)


I'm so sorry for your loss Emma. Yeah I want to run to other ppl but I have coomintment issues were I'm scared to open up that much so I don't let myself. And as far as talking if you ever want to talk im here. Also the hugs are amazing thank you and thank you for cheering me on that means so my much. :hug: As far as crying yeah i know it's just so hard sometimes. But again thank you!!! I hope that your doing okay and I send my love your way. :) :hug: thank you again :)
Aurora325, 24 April 2012 - 08:39 PM

slb720, on 23 April 2012 - 11:14 AM, said:

:hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: I understand why you want to see how he's doing in life. It makes sense because y'all were together for a while. It sounds like you loved him, but hated him at the same time. I know how that can be confusing and infuriating. One of my SAers was my best guy friend and I sometimes miss him. There were crappy times, but there were goodtimes too. You didn't have control over letting him go on facebook. That decision was made for you, while you have been deciding on whether to do it or not. It's not surprising that it bothers you. I think it's good you're yelling! Get it all out! You can't always hold everyone up, sometimes you need a shoulder, like you said. If it makes you feel better, there's going to be a march here too on the same day and I'll be thinking of you :hug:


You took the words right out of my mouth hun. No one seems to get why I still care for him but they just see all the bad things not the good connections I had with him. And thanks yeah it is nice to let it out everyonce in a while :) also whether or not you participate in the march where you live on Friday I will def send out my best thoughts and wishes your way. :hug: :hug:
Aurora325, 24 April 2012 - 08:44 PM
Thanks My words can be wise but not without the help of others my group of kids i watch over always need help and im there for them and everyone else so i get used to it there my "family" since i dont have a real one so and they say Hi and there cheering for you too. :rofl: :strong: :daisy: :congrats: :yahoo: :yahoo: :dancingpanda: :goodjob: :elefant: :banana: :puppy: :puppy: :yay: :yay: :yay: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hi5: :thumbsup: :thumbsup: :thumbsup: :thumbsup: Your a strong and brave women you can do anything you want trust me i may only be 16 but i have come to understand life
Emma16, 25 April 2012 - 07:57 AM

Emma16, on 25 April 2012 - 07:57 AM, said:

Thanks My words can be wise but not without the help of others my group of kids i watch over always need help and im there for them and everyone else so i get used to it there my "family" since i dont have a real one so and they say Hi and there cheering for you too. :rofl: :strong: :daisy: :congrats: :yahoo: :yahoo: :dancingpanda: :goodjob: :elefant: :banana: :puppy: :puppy: :yay: :yay: :yay: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hi5: :thumbsup: :thumbsup: :thumbsup: :thumbsup: Your a strong and brave women you can do anything you want trust me i may only be 16 but i have come to understand life



YOU FORGOT THE BUNNY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :dancingbunny: :dancingbunny: :dancingbunny: :dancingbunny: :dancingbunny: :dancingbunny: :dancingbunny: :dancingbunny: :dancingbunny:
Aurora325, 26 April 2012 - 12:01 PM
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