Pandora's Aquarium: Feelings - Pandora's Aquarium

My husband and I had therapy this week. We have been fighting terribly. So, back to the therapist we went and will continue to go. Who knows what the real roots of our arguments are. But, in therapy it always seems to go back to my first marriage and how the abuse I endured affects me and my current marriage. Like a crouching tiger, memories and their effects creep up and attack when I least expect it. I found Pandora's Aquarium in the midst of such attack. I did so at the urging of a friend during an online conversation. It is probably the only record of my feelings. Therapy the other evening brought the conversation to mind and I want to immortalize it here.

Me: Yes, I hear you. I am seriously thinking I need to start writing about my experiences/relationship with that man. Not sure how I can do it. I waffle all of the time.
I do know I can't get past what happened.
We don't need to talk about it.... I just need to figure out how to deal with the feelings.


Friend: yes..
therapy really helps
directs you in the right way


Me: Yes, I have had therapy. She told me my next step is desensitization therapy and that it's very painful but very effective.
Not sure I want that.
So many conflicting feelings, eek.


Friend: but you are carrying them with you
carry them or rid yourself of them?


Me: Just like my wisdom tooth I won't have out...


Friend: ahhh...
you avoid pain
but it will get infected eventually

Me: I feel that it's more complicated than that.... but maybe it isn't. Argh.


Friend: i cannot say ...i just know that the only way to get past pain is to walk thru it.
and there is another side
it is in your energy
and you need to release that energy
i know you relate to the world in a religious way..and I respect that...but i also know that you know about the energy we all carry..and you connect there also. if you hold it, it affects you. release it..and you feel lighter.

Me: It's funny.... Some of my symptoms are ptsd, related to abuse.
No one with ANY authority believed what happened to me.
No consequence was ever issued
I think I hold on because truth and consequence is what I am waiting for.
That if things are resolved that all action will be absolved
That that part of my existence and experience will never be validated.
Then..... I am also afraid that what happened wasn't bad enough for it to matter. If I explore that.... then again.... my experience will not be validated.


Friend: it will be validated because you gave it a voice...
because you listened, considered it, and then let it go. it is vallidated because you let it go. you can only let go of things that you previoulsy had
holding it gives IT POWER
that is not what you want
letting it go gives you power
read the spiritual divorce by Debbie ford


Me: Very true and I know that on a intellectual level... it's harder on a spiritual level.


Friend: of course but the spiritual level is the one we need to listen to more


Me: I have also thought that I may want to do work with women's violence groups. And doing so would expose what happened to my children. I fear the consequences of that.


Friend: what do you think those consequences would be?


Me: I suppose I am afraid of what lies on the road ahead. Not beleiving me. Choosing their dad over me.


Friend: your children adore you, you have been consistent with them


Me: That could change. Their dad is very powerful and convincing.


Friend: that is definitely a conversation you should have with them with someone to mediate..like a clergy member or a therapist look...if one of your kids experiened a traumatic event, you would have them go talk to someone


Me: yes.... It's such a hard thing.... No one believed me or stood by me when I left him. I was by myself.


Friend: that is awful, do they believe you now?


Me: My previous experience with sharing this info has not been positive.
My family now. But not then. a couple of friends believed me, a couple said that he was their friend too and didn't want to get in the middle.


Friend: i am sorry you did not get the support you needed.
i believe you, i really do and i think you need to surround yourself with more people who do...there must be a group on meetup.com of women who have had these experiences..you should find one and go. it is considered self care and you need to care about you.

i need to stop saying "need"
i am sorry
i am not ordering you around..i hope you know that


Me: My first therapist really wanted me to go to a rape survivors support group. I just couldn't do it.
I know that : )
Wow. I am a wreck tonight..... I hate what he does to me. It's like a punch in the stomach.


Friend: that was a long time ago, maybe you can do it now


Me: Most of my days are not like this.


Friend: but you need a more specific one
i know...there are those days
they come fast and hard

Me: Yes, a DV one. His approach was far more insidious than the creep on the street.


Friend: yes...it was manipulative and constant and picked away at you
and i am so sorry you had to endure that
you are kind and generous and lovely and deserved none of that ugliness


Me: Thank you.


Friend: consider looking into one...maybe in the context of and presnece of other women it will feel safer to you.


Me: yes.... It's funny I have the scv dv pamphlet and have had it for years. I just expected to get over it I guess.


Friend: and you deserve to live the next 50 + years in harmony with the sassy, intelligent and beautiful spirit that makes you who you are.


Me: I have actually called.... when we were going through court. The woman told me that court is the next level of dv.