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mental disorder?

Posted by catsinspace , 22 June 2012 · 11 views

What a month it's been... I left off saying I was going to start making changes to be independent. I started working out and trying to watch what I eat. This wasn't for weight loss but more for feeling better and less exhausted. My boyfriend and I had a huge fight last month about his problem chatting up girls online, there wasn't much solution after that because I ended up losing my job a week later. Thankfully my ebay project took off, not enough to cover all my bills but enough to keep me going. At this point I'm just so desperate to find a decent paying job so I won't have to depend on anyone else. It's not possible for me to go back home because my mom abused me as a child and I find it hard to even be in the same room as her, and most of my good friends have moved or aren't in a position to put me up until I'm back on my feet.

I think my boyfriend and I could use at least a small break from one another. Because of all the stress my mood swings have increased, back when I was seeing my old therapist she mentioned how I might consider being treated with pharmaceuticals. That's pretty much what has come to my attention now, even my boyfriend has started opening up and discussing his problems with my moods. I guess it's confusing because I don't feel like possibly having a mental disorder merits his bad behavior but it does make me see the 50/50 aspect of things going wrong between us. I've started to have physical reactions with my moods. It's so scary...I don't hurt anyone but I did break my side table. I lose sight of what I'm saying and what I'm doing and then I come to and I'm just crying uncontrollably on the floor. The other night I thought I saw something in the corner of my eye and I nearly jumped up to the ceiling, then I started to shake and I had to walk around in order to calm down. My boyfriend chased me outside and I started yelling for no reason. When I'm like that no one can touch me, I flinch and get defensive. I feel like I'm going mad, my paranoia is out of control lately...Why is there always a problem? Am I just completely losing my mind? I'm so lost. I can't afford therapy, no one has called me back for a job interview, my boyfriend and I are at each other's throats..I'm losing a lot of faith.



July 2014

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