Pandora's Aquarium: first day of therapy - Pandora's Aquarium

It's my first day of therapy and I have a lot of aggression towards my mother to get out. I don't want to walk in and explode on the poor woman...So I wrote a letter to my mother. I'll never send it to her but it felt really good getting it all out. I've changed all the names to (boyfriend) or (current step-dad) just to help anyone reading know what is going on and still be anonymous.

mom,

I received the text from (current step-father). To be honest, I’m really surprised you're trying to contact me at all. It’s out of character for you. You know I’ve taken a step back from the relationships I have with you and (current step-father), it’s not hard to tell when I haven’t been stopping by to visit or coming over for holidays. It’s not that I don’t care or that I don’t want to see you, it’s because I think our relationship has been toxic for a long, long time. And I don’t feel welcome in your house anymore. I can’t think of a time we had peace between us. I’m pretty angry about the situation, I’m angry with you guys I’m angry at myself. What really got to me was your accusation that I stole tuition money for school and your inability to discuss my biological father. Those were defining moments for me. If you really think I purposefully dropped out of school for MONEY and not because I was depressed and have problems functioning, then you have no idea who I am. I did not drop my classes for a refund, I would never do that. I had As in both classes when I dropped them, I still have a 3.0 GPA. If you don't believe me contact the college campus yourself, I don't need to prove anything to you because I didn't steal your money.

Before I go on I want to make it clear (my boyfriend) has nothing to do with the decisions I’ve been making regarding any of this because I’m sure it crossed your mind. He has his own family issues to deal with at the moment and we have decided to handle them separately. I have felt this way for a long time and didn’t know how to put it in words.

I already know the things you’re angry with me about because half of the time I see you, you make a point to tell me or openly discuss with our family members what I have done wrong. You have even posted things on facebook about how I “got you back”. Do you really think I had some secret plan to have mental breakdowns to get you back? Get you back for what? You bring up negative things that happened a year ago, 5 years ago, 10 years ago. I hope you realize I can bring up things that happened back then, too, but I don’t because it’s unhealthy and doing that keeps you sick. My point in bringing up my biological father isn’t to hold it against you. You have an extreme fear of discussing it with me and I have no idea why. Whether you knew who he was, he was just someone in passing, whether it was consensual sex or not, I don’t really care. I would like to fill some holes with information. I don’t want a father figure, I'm over that. I’m tired of asking family members about it. For years I’ve put it on the back burner waiting for you to approach me but you never did. Please look at this from my point of view, it hurts to be held completely in the dark about my own life. This is the last time I will address it.

I haven’t spoken up and defended myself rationally until now because I have no self-esteem and felt like I deserved to be put down about the things I have done or I would just blow up when I had enough. I know I did a lot of fucked up things as a teenager but I no longer think everything I did was necessarily wrong, I was just coping the best way I knew how. I’ve already apologized to you and I can’t keep saying I’m sorry. There is no way I can feel more guilty about everything that happened in my adolescence. I have tried everything to erase what happened even dangerous tactics like drugs, alcohol, denial, psych wards, eating disorders, medication, running away, suicide attempts. I'm not going to feel bad anymore, if I keep feeling guilty I will waste more of my life feeling empty.

Over time I can forgive and forget and I’m sure you can too, I think. But there’s one other thing I can’t seem to get over, and it’s (my abuser/previous step-father) being able to call my legal address. It bothers me that I wasn’t taken seriously when I said I never wanted to see or talk to him ever again and that I wanted him to go away. I know (my younger brother and sister) are his biological children but I guarantee you if he didn’t sexually abuse them back then he eventually would have if I didn’t go to the police. As the years go by I realize more and more just how sick he was. The first year we were in Florida he sent me a Christmas present and you gave it to me. It was a Kid Rock CD. I would never blame you for his actions, and I know very well that you were affected just as much as I was by that situation. But you need to understand that I kept running away from home all those years because I didn’t feel like it was a safe place with him calling there and having relationships with members of my family. I tried talking to you about it but it was useless, you and (my current step-father) told me not to use the phone if it bothered me. He was breaking his restraining order and I should have called someone but I knew it would tear our family further apart. We moved over a thousand miles away to leave the situation only to have him involved again? I’m sure he stills calls the house and will be calling until he passes away. I have accepted I cannot have a close relationship with you if he continues to be present in our family.

I know I’m lucky because many girls don’t see their abusers spend any time in jail/prison at all, and their families don’t believe them, we both know how bad things can turn out. I am more than grateful that things worked out as great as they did. I was given an amazing community and friends to guide me. But that doesn't mean I can let that go. I wanted you to be as angry about it as I was, I wanted you to fight with him until he went away completely and left all of us alone forever. We didn't even take him to court, why!? I don’t feel like you have ever fought for me, and I guess that’s the bottom line of it all. That’s how I feel. Whether or not it’s the truth, I don’t know. You don't seem to support me emotionally. You're friends with (2 ex boyfriends of mine) who were both destructive forces in my life, what makes you think you should be friends with them, even on a superficial level? It makes me feel like you're just trying to get a rise out of me. Every time we see each other you make digs at me.

There’s a lot of things I need to deal with, I started therapy again and I plan on staying in therapy for a long time. My therapist said I need to focus on myself and work at being an independent person before I work on anything else, and that’s why I’m saying all of this to you. I can’t keep ignoring everything you’re saying forever, especially when you're breaking boundaries by having (my current step-father) contact me when I didn't give him my number. I’m not sure why you posted on my facebook wall and tagged me in things and say all these seemingly true sweet things online but can’t have an actual real life relationship with me. Why? Why do you want to talk to me? We obviously don't get along and you won't be truthful with me about anything. You refuse to acknowledge that you're not right all the time. You have wronged me and I have wronged you. You have not always loved me unconditionally and most of the time I have no idea who you are, so please don't pretend like we have some great mother daughter relationship out of nowhere. I've had to respect your need for space and secrets my entire life, I have kept quiet and haven't demanded explanations for anything but you won't give me the same respect. You have the kids involved, (my current step-father) involved, I'm sure other family members know I'm not talking to you.

Right now I don't want a relationship with you, and I accept that if I decide in the future that I do want one and you don't I will have to accept that as well.