Pandora's Aquarium: i did not realized that you blamed yourself so much - Pandora's Aquarium

extreme trigger warnings

this has been edited


i was hoping to post this earlier

circumstances prevented me from doing so

Dec 6th is for naming and remembering

I have chosen Dec 6th

to be my memorial day

for my sister.


I have also chosen

this location

to be her gravesite


My sister was born in my parents house


I have been told

that I was the first person

to hold her

I asked if I had a baby sister or brother

I was 4 years old

My sister died in my parents house


The circumstances around her death

were eerily similiar to

the circumstances around

our grandmother's death

Our grndmother had died

just two months

before my sisters birth

I was shocked and devastrated

when I was told about my sisters death

the professional community...

I handle objects from my childhood

that remind me of my sister

and I am overwhelmed with grief

I remember a hot summer night

when I curled up with my sister

in her bed

and rocked her

It was after midnight

We had both been prosituted

that day

I left my parent's house

after my sister's birthday

I left my sister in my parent's house

I asked a worker

What about my sister ?

Are you going to help my sister ?

I re read letters and birthday cards from my sister

and I am overwhelmed with guilt, regret and remorse

I remember countless phone calls to my hometown

and elsewhere anytime I heard about my sister


IF you like winnie the pooh and teddy bears

YOU may know parts of my sister' story

IF you were raised one religion

YOU may know parts of my sister's story

but were told that you were another religion

YOU may know parts of my sister's story

IF you witnessed domestic violence as a child

YOU may know parts of my sister's story

IF you ran away from your parent's house

YOU may know parts of my sister's story

IF you ran away from group homes

YOU may know parts of my sister's story

IF you were a street kid

YOU may know parts of my sister's story

IF you date abusive boyfriends

YOU may know parts of my sister's story

IF you were raped as an adult

YOU may know parts of my sister's story

If you disclosed and


were told that there was insufficient evidence

YOU may know parts of my sister's story

IF you experienced any of the after effects of trauma

YOU may know parts of my sister's story

IF you tried to numb your pain

YOU may know parts of my sister's story

IF you experience eating difficulties


you may know parts of my sister's story

I am afraid that I endangered my sister's life

by requesting a police investigation

The police said there was insufficient evidence

I have spent my adult life

working for change

My sister did not benefit from my work


I have forgotten to mourn

I have spent my entire adult life

trying to access supports


I am filled with rage that the cost is my sister's life

My disclosing did not protect my sister

My silence did not protect my sister

i blame myself and other's for my sister's death




I remember the words

of a friend of my brother

at the time of his violent death

I did not see that

you were in danger of losing your life

PLEASE FORGIVE ME

My sister's death has stolen from me

any chance or opportunity

to have an adult relationship

with my sister

even today the professional community

do not want to hear my grief

The harsh reality of my home life

leaves me with these final words


I do not want to stand here

and name my mother

as a victim of violence

and I have written that speech









ps the neighbours told me about my parents

years after I sent the police to my parent's house


the police did not question the neighbours