Pandora's Aquarium: How a child grows up with rapes and has DID - Pandora's Aquarium

REMINDER OF TRIGGER WARNINGS

this is still in progress ...

My birth Dad's dad takes mom to hospital because Dad is unavailable

My Big brother's first birthday I am 1 month old

My first christmas I am age 2 months I am holding a toy doll as my mom holds me.


I am in photo's for cousin's birth I am age 3 months


My family moves to new house

My Big brother and I share a bedroom, Dad (p) abuses both of us in that room. I did a drawing of me

curled up on my bed after the assaults.

**************************

age 1 birthday photo with big brother and mom I am playing with a doll and a toy phone in my high chair

I am given beer to go to sleep

I am rape d by Dad (p) before brother's birth ******************************** TRIGGER WARNING

I have relived this while alone in my apartment

This memory was triggered by Mom's heart attack

An aunt walks in on dad (she is still silent outside the family but did tell my other aunts )

potato chips for breakfast; aunt gives me potato chips and loses all of my milk bottles... eating difficulties

My brother's birth big brother is age 2

I am in a photo at baby brother's christening Dad(p) is holding me

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

age 2 I am in birthday photos with big brother and photos with some of the aunts

I am in photos of baby bro's first christmas

I am wearing blue overalls and playing with yet another toy phone. Grandma (dad's) is there **********

Big brother is 3 and get cowboy guns

I am in a photo with big brother on front lawn of Grandpa's (p) house ***************************************************************** trigger warning

I am wearing a dress and a necklace

age 3

This is my last birthday with Grandma I am in photos with her and baby brother


********************************** trigger warning

(she would walk to our house after " incidents " with Grandpa (p) and stay there )

I am wearing a blue jumper in the photo

I am in another photo on the black ride em horse... this time with big brother and baby bro.

My doll stroller is already broken. I have a doll that i throw over stairs and a picture book

I am in another photo with big brother and baby bro

I am in another photo with big brother and baby bro sitting in front of a covered wagon

The last christmas at this house

There is a Christmas photo of me playing with baby bro's new toy piano and

a photo of me, dad (p) and big brother unwrapping play table set (dad looks scary) a red tea party set

There is a Christmas photo of mom with baby bro opening the ride em fire truck

There is a photo of me and big brother on ride em fire truck with fire helmets

I am in a photo of baby bro's 2nd birthday playing with toy horns




My family move s to a new house . Empty new houses terrify me

uncle (p) drives us by the old house

***************************************************************** trigger warning


I am alone in my bedroom, I am being raped by Dad,

I would scream for my mom and she would come in and pull Dad off from me

Mom gives me Valium to calm me down..... I am 3 years old

Grandma's death *******************************************************************

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

age 4 rape ***********************************************TRIGGER WARNING

There is a photo of me opening a brown tea set on my bed I constantly flashed on this photo

I am wearing a yellow tshirt and red jeans.............later that day I am in

photos with big brother and baby bro

My sister's birth at home ... I am the first person to hold her.... aunt did the delivery

I am raped by Dad and his dad while my mom is in the hospital after sis's birth..... I am 4 years old

.....both brothers are raped by them as well

I am in a photo at big brother birthday . He gets a toy fire truck

A phto of sis's first christmas I am wearing a green dress. Mom is holding sis with doll, baby bro is playing

with a pink elephant

My brother's 3rd birthday.... Uncle (p) and grandpa (dad)(p) are there I am wearing a blue tshirt and red


pants ************************ trigger warning

I am in a photo with baby sis I am wearing a (sleeveless blouse)

I am in a photo with sis ; she is on the orange ride em tractor

I have chicken pox with baby brother and sis. This is my only memory of her in her crib

I am a flower girl for my aunt's wedding I am wearing a blue dress

**************************************************************** trigger warning

I am in a photo on grandma's bed sis is a baby

I am in another photo on grandpa (p) (dad)'s front lawn i am wearing a sleeveless dress


************************** trigger warning


Some of my fave photos with baby sis are from this day

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

age 5

I liked having naps on a towel, listening to music, making a paper drum, and playing with the hammer set

I am raped at big brother's birthday party by uncle. He is threatening me with a knife


*****************************TRIGGER WARNINGS

I refuse to sit on Santa's knee


In kindergarten I am given a valentine class list

I made a paper Easter chick


I am in a Family photo I am wearing a yellow dress and a rainbow straw bonnet

I am in a photo with bros on tricycle

I am in a photo of a family trip I am wearing a beige jacket and skirt

I am in a Christmas photo with mom and sis ... I am wearing a dress............... My brothers got toy cannons


++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

age 6

I wrote a story called My Baby Sister ..... I do not mention my parents or my big brother,

I do mention baby brother

I am in photos wearing a dress with a blue flat bonnet for big brother's first communion

I am in a photo wearing a blue blouse and jeans and I am playing with balloons

I am a flower girl at another aunt's wedding


******************************************************** trigger warning

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

age 7

I like curious george,playing with barbies,and my brother's fire station,

I like reading cinderella and sleeping beauty, and comics

I am wearing torn pj's in Christmas photo

I am wearing ablue jumper

I got a Cinderella book

I like writing short stories

Grandma's death ************************************************************************

I am in a photo I am in a park with deer

?I make myfirst communion baby bros is not in the photos

I am in family trip photos There is one with baby bros and one with uncle (p)


************************************ trigger warning

There is a photo of me feed ing deer with baby sis

Dad (p) is raping both me and baby sis in our bedroom

********************************************************* trigger warning

I am in a photo with uncle (p) ********************************trigger warning

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

age 8

I am having nightmares I write about my nightmares as short stories about Mom and Dad

There is a photo of my birthday party I get new dresses and doll

My favourite book is Fashion Through the Ages a historical ball

A smile is catchy as measles and mumps

There are Christmas photos of me in pj's

near drowning ***************************************TRIGGER WARNINGS Dad and baby bros


++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

age 9

I am in a Christmas photo with grandpa (dad)



*********************************************************trigger warning

age 10

I like the Little drummer boy and magicians I got a watch for my birthday - year of missing photos

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

age 11

I am in a Gr 6 class photo

I start having sleep problems

Godmother's death *****************************************Trigger warning

I am raped by Dad (p) *************************************TRIGGER WARNINGS

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

age 12

I like reading comics

I am studying child development

There are beatings by dad with yard stick (It is not a spanking !!!!!) ************ TRIGGER WARNINGS

I am in a photo at baby bro's birthday

I am in an easter photo I am wearing a blue and white dress I am being raped


********************************************TRIGGER WARNINGS


+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

age 12

I write a poem about being raped at Christmas.... the teacher reads and grades it

I still like comics

I write a story called What is Happiness ?


... happiness is holding your baby sister when she is only a few minutes old

I write a story called a letter to an aunt

I am studying the re settlement of the aborginals from the states to Canada

age 13

I am doing drawings about being raped ************************* TRIGGER WARNINGS

I write a story about my sister's birth entitled " A Special Treat " It was written for her 9th birthday

did I get a brother or sister ? story


A poem on What is courage ?


rapes by Dad ******************************************************* Trigger warnings

rescuing sis when she falls through the ice on the creek ******************** Trigger warnings

while taking a forbidden shortcut to school

she was blue when I got her home to Mom

writing another story about sis and Santa Claus

" the way one little candle throws its beams

so shines a good happening

in an evil world "

Christmas photos tape rapes by Dad *************************** Trigger Warnings

I am writing another story about sis giving the goldfish a bath when she was 3 or 4

Easter photos

I write a story about being multiple It is read by all my teachers and classmates

Confirmation rape ********************************* TRIGGER WARNINGS

Grandfather's death ******************************** Trigger Warnings

Grade 9 photo

I am volunteering for charity fundraising at school

I am seeing a counsellor of the day I am being



beaten by both Brother and Dad **************** Trigger Warnings

I write a foster family story It is read and graded by teacher

I write a story about a Girl with a shiner

This story is read and graded by teacher******************************* Trigger warnings

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

age 14
birthday photo with sis (she will wear my outfit from today at Christmas next year)

Christmas photo I am wearing a dress I will wear this same dress 3 years later

agency of the day

art group at agency

It's ALL MY FAULT !!!

Easter photo

Baby bro's confirmation

Neighbourhood babysitter

age 15

counsellor of the day

Birthdays photos of me and sis (I am now wearing Mom's clothes)

I went into a shell over the holidays ****************************** Trigger Warnings

Christmas photo with grandpa p/I am now wearing mom's clothes; sis is wearing my clothes

beatings by Big Brother injures my knees ******************* trigger warnings

hearing test ***********(Mom is slapping me around) ********* trigger warnings

child porn ****************(perp died in 2006 ************************** trigger warnings

spousal abuse ************************************** trigger warnings

rapes by Dad *************************************** trigger warnings

neighbour moves in next door and I disclose the abuse to her; she will be home 6

rapes by Dad *********************************************************trigger warnings

I sew a tie for Father's day

beatings by Dad with a street hockey blade ( these are not spankings !) **************trigger warnings

"family therapy " without brothers..... Kitchen timer is now added to beatings


Big brother throwing us through the screen door ******************* trigger warnings


+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

age 16

rape by brother **************************************** TRIGGER WARNING

I am researching and writing about alcoholism, paper read and graded by teacher

counsellor of the day

Adolescent Adjustment Reaction strangest label for child porn and prostitution with sibling abuse

I am experincing stomach problems that requires a special diet

Christmas photo I am wearing a blouse and jeans

family trip photos no bros patches hat uncle (p) ******************************** Trigger warnings


friends from school encourage and support my decision to phone CAS

I make the call from the neighbour who will later be home 6

Oct 18 age 16 these notes are from the agency file

I am afraid to leave home

mom is talking about s* if I leave
guilt so that I will stay
I say that I am physically afraid of my dad and what he will do if I leave




+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

age 17

My birthday

Oct 23 I need a letter from a parent stating that they are aware that I am leaving

Oct 24 I am afraid to discuss my feelings with my mom

I clearly ask the workers WHAT ABOUT THE BOYS ???????? this comment is in the agency file

I clearly ask the workers "what about sis ? " this comment is in the agency file

I am raped by Dad ********************************************TRIGGER WARNINGS

he has been told by me that I am leaving

He phones the agency

10 days after my 17 th birthday I left home sis is not removed she has just turned 13 the day before

baby brother is 15. I throw out one of the street hockey blades into the garbage as a gesture of protest

home 1

I am having nightmares and night terror

the woman here tries to talk me into returning home

Christmas visit home I am wearing same dress as age 14

home 2

Mom makes friends with the mom here, they are still friends

home 3

Mom makes friends with the mom here

home 4

4 homes for one year of school

summer school

home 5
Christmas visit home despite objections by foster family

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
a presentation and essay on child abuse read and graded by teacher... sis not reported.. she is 14

home 6

High school graduation family there

scholarships and letters of acceptance for university arrive the same day as Dad's stroke

Dad's stroke memories of CSA triggered

Home 6 moves me into university

back injury at university ********************* Trigger warnings ************ BF involved in incident

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

sis runs away a missed phone call Nov 3 11:30 am from sis high school/Nov 5 1:15 from parents

no mention of my history, worker who worked with us both had left agency, sis in group homes

memories of CSA

I send a birthday card confrontation to big brother

Christmas visit home

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I start having kidney problems

I send another birthday card confrontation to big brother

last Christmas with big brother

new year and brothers djing and I am helping at the party

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

brother's suicide ************************************TRIGGER WARNINGS

I become friends with his girlfriend

flooding with memories of abuse by him

Christmas visit home

I am hospitalized for " women problems " ..... I had collapsed in the washroom at home

assaults at university *********************************TRIGGER WARNINGS

I am on assorted committees at university for both student actitivies and academics

a presentation on child abuse given at university

I am involved in numerous boards and committees for both youth and community work

I receive written recognition from a municipal official for my work

a presentation on childhood sexual abuse given at college

I am recognized in writing by my municipal consultant for my work.

About a month later, I am recognized in writing by my licensing consultant for my work

mom's heart attack

I start flooding with CSA memories while at work

uncle (p)'s death more memory flooding about him no stable counselling

BF's father's death

grandfather's death more memory flooding by him no stable counselling

a speak out on abuse given at city hall.... I do speak out at this event

I obtain my counselling file from agency from teen years finally get some context for teen years

the file reads like it is my mother file; she was on the board of the agency

A letter from high school friend validating memories

I make phone calls to high school friends ..... these friends are validating my CSA

I file a complaint against the family doctor from my teen years

I appear in a video talking about my CSA

I receive a seduction tape for a birthday present from a rcc counsellor who is in a group with me

My Rapist

I meet my stalker at an agency " assisting " abused women; agency closed for mismanagement

I am in an art group with an abuse by women "focus"; my stalker is in this group

I make a statement to the police about the CSA. Dad admits to the beatings to the police.

I start attending art classes

I receive a letter from neighbour (home 6) validating CSA including toddlerhood

aunts continue their conspirancy of silence

I receive a letter from an aunt expressing concern for baby sis's safety

I am phoning teachers from my high school

I am phoning public health nurses from high school


I am asking for reconsideration

I join my first drumming group
I start attending college

death of uni friend
gaybashing at college
death of college classmate

I am phoning my counsellors from my teen years they remember me

I file a human rights complaint for sexual harassment at college

I am raped *********************************************TRIGGER WARNINGS

loss of stable counselling

assault by co worker ********************************TRIGGER WARNINGS

uncle's death

I start flooding with CSA memories again plus relationship memories and university memories

I am assaulted by my supervisor********************************TRIGGER WARNINGS
death of colleague
last assault by my rapist ***************************** TRIGGER WARNINGS

My stalker

loss of stable counselling

friend's suicide U received a suicide note from her *************************TRIGGER WARNINGS

SISTER's DEATH

I am flooding with CSA memories and university memories again

I give a public speech I do not want to stand here next year and name my mother as a victim of violence

and I am already writing that speech

loss of stable counselling

no court protection order for rapist and stalker

I am again involved in student activities at college

Dad's death

I am flooding with CSA memories again

ongoing stalking incidents at college

I am assaulted in home room ******************************* TRIGGER WARNINGS
friend's death
drumming group

loss of stable counselling

I withdraw from college

I continue my involvement in student activities at university
friend's death
aunt's death

loss of stable counselling

friend's death I attend the memorial service

tribunal decision

aunt's death I attend the feast for the dead

worker's death I honour her with a drum on my Eastern Wall

perp's death

Brother's medical crisis I am the one who deals with his hospital transfer

flooding with CSA memories again

rcc's death she died while I am with brother (to her gypsy soul).... flooding with relationship memories again

I make a request for reconsideration

I am writing mom's eulogy

I join Pandy's

I am writing brother's eulogy

I am experiencing ongoing stalking incidents

I stop my involvement in student activites

worker's death a sacred fire

to be continued