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Pain

29 January 2012
Posted by HiddenPoet  
21.11.11

Pain.
It circles me endlessly,
Threatening to land
On the fertile precipice
Of my tenuous existence.
I cringe, awaiting its arrival,
Knowing the devastation it will cause;
The disintegration of my mind
Once intact.

No one can know this pain,
Except other sufferers of unspeakable truths.
We belong together.
We seek each other out.
We...
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Falling

28 January 2012
Posted by HiddenPoet  
I am falling into pain.
A whirlpool
of suffocating fears
sucks me into its centre,
whipping me around
its spiralling vortex;
disorienting me.
I circle down -
deeper,
darker,
out of control.
I fall into the chasm
of unchartered murky depths
from where there is no return.
I come to rest
tangled,
ensnared,
by the poisonous weeds
lurching out at me...
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Five weeks plus

25 January 2012
Posted by HiddenPoet  
It is now more than five weeks since my last session. I am really struggling today. I have this cutting feeling inside, like 1000 knives are slicing into me. My insides are bleeding the sticky black blood of intensifying pain. All of my organs, my, skin, my mind is trembling. I am an internal mess of bleeding feelings and shaking thoughts. I...
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Behind the mask

24 January 2012
Posted by HiddenPoet  

There isn't any me anymore.
Maybe there never was.
I have lived a kind of half life
with a half me,
and a series of masks
to obscure my world of pain
from the view of others.
I watch people living, loving,
being.
I watch from behind a wall
of impenetrable glass.
No one can see me,
they talk to my mask.
The mask nods and...
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Posted by HiddenPoet  


Beyond pain
is the eerie pit of nothingness
where all is destitute
and life has been obliterated.
Parts of me
crawl along the putrid floor
of a place once sprouting with life
and possibilities,
now gone,
gone.
No fire of passion
or anger,
no tears of slowly falling sadness.
No warmth from love,
closeness
comfort.

I am banished
to the...
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20.1.12

19 January 2012
Posted by HiddenPoet  
My partner (of 11 years and we have 2 children together) got upset with me this morning. She said that I have been in therapy for the whole time she has known me (which is true). And she has supported me though this therapy (three different therapist in this time), and we have used a lot of funds on my therapy. She is happy for me to have the...
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More therapy break angst

18 January 2012
Posted by HiddenPoet  
I am sick of me. It's been four weeks now since my last session. Four weeks into a six week break. Four long weeks of having to listen to my own worries, anxieties, longings, painful feelings, and not have an outside perspective on them. I feel like I have finally sent myself over the edge, into the meltdown zone.
I am feeling really down...
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Dream

15 January 2012
Posted by HiddenPoet  

Dream 11.1.12
Someone called me from my T's rooms during the break and told me that I needed to come in to see the nurses for some tests at the building at 10am on the day my sessions start back. I went to the building and went up the stairs into the eating area on the landing. The area had been completely renovated and resigned and it...
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Posted by HiddenPoet  


I have wondered what it would feel like if my T read my posts. I have told Ms T about Pandys and I have also emailed her the link to it so she can understand where I am getting support from and maybe suggest it to other clients where relevant. I have quoted parts of my posts in emails to her when it saved me from rewriting it. last week I...
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Dream 1.1.12

01 January 2012
Posted by HiddenPoet  
2.1.12
DREAM
I was in a therapy session with my current therapist "G" after the break. I was talking about my relationship with my ex therapist "J", and how she often felt cold and emotionally withholding to me. I had some unanswered questions about some things that happened in my therapy. G suggested that we go to visit her...
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