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It is now more than five weeks since my last session. I am really struggling today. I have this cutting feeling inside, like 1000 knives are slicing into me. My insides are bleeding the sticky black blood of intensifying pain. All of my organs, my, skin, my mind is trembling. I am an internal mess of bleeding feelings and shaking thoughts. I need some way to stop the feeling, or contain it, but there is nothing and no one within my reach that will help me survive these feelings.
I have thoughts of my stillborn baby - a feeling of connection to her. That is when it all started going wrong again inside me. I had just started to feel happy, and then my baby came out of me, like a deformed representation of my internal brokenness - a reminder of what is inside me. My baby can now be at peace and free of her deformities. But I can't be free of mine. The pain is scarring my insides. I want to be able to smile and be in my life. I don't know how right now. I have to keep hiding the misery because I don't want anyone to be overwhelmed by the blackness of me.
I have thoughts of my stillborn baby - a feeling of connection to her. That is when it all started going wrong again inside me. I had just started to feel happy, and then my baby came out of me, like a deformed representation of my internal brokenness - a reminder of what is inside me. My baby can now be at peace and free of her deformities. But I can't be free of mine. The pain is scarring my insides. I want to be able to smile and be in my life. I don't know how right now. I have to keep hiding the misery because I don't want anyone to be overwhelmed by the blackness of me.
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I am sorry you are so overwhelmed!! You have been through so much, it makes sense that it comes to the surface. You don't have to hide you misery here. Let it out as much as you can.. Only a little longer until therapy again.
I understand not being able to smile and be in life!!!!!! You're not alone. Sitting with you.
Theresa