Pandora's Aquarium: 20.1.12 - Pandora's Aquarium

My partner (of 11 years and we have 2 children together) got upset with me this morning. She said that I have been in therapy for the whole time she has known me (which is true). And she has supported me though this therapy (three different therapist in this time), and we have used a lot of funds on my therapy. She is happy for me to have the therapy, but she feels superfluous in our relationship because I spend so much mental energy on my therapy. She said she feels I am so consumed by it that there is no room for her, because I am so unhappy and then I withdraw most of the time and just write on my iPad. She said she feels like she is just waiting for me to become happy to to be able to engage in and enjoy life. But in the meantime she feels like we don't have a relationship because I don't talk to her and she knows I don't really enjoy anything deep down. I found this really hard to hear, because it is true. I have been unhappy for my whole life, and I have been in therapy for the whole time she has known me. I suppose 11 years of our relationship is a really long time time support me through therapy both emotionally and financially, when she can't see me getting happier.

It has been particularly difficult for the past five weeks because my therapist is on a six week break (I will be returning to sessions on the 30th). I have been really struggling without my therapist, and my partner pointed out that I have been withdrawing into myself and spending a lot of time on my iPad (mainly on Pandys which has been helping me survive).

I feel so bad about myself. I am crying a lot writing this, I can't even see the screen properly so sorry about the mistakes. I feel like I should leave the relationship and just let my partner and the kids have a happy life without me. I feel like I am a drain on everyone, and everyone would be able to enjoy life without me. I know this isn't rational, and I wish I had my therapist here to talk to.

I feel bad that I have had so many issues to deal with in my life - a f**ked up family, CSA issues with my father, and my mother was inappropriate in lots of ways. There was a lot of pressure in my family to perform and achieve at a high level, which my siblings and I have all done. Both of parents are high profile figures and I have always had to present a face of coping, and I have kept everything inside.

I have a very good therapist, who I see several times a week. Before her break we were doing a lot of intensive work in my CSA issues, and so I found it really hard to have a six week break at that point. It has been really diffiuclt to pack everything up. So I have been withdrawn and not terribly communicative. I try to appear like I am having fun with the kids and our social outings with my partner, but I just feel sad inside a lot of the time. I have been on my iPad a lot, because that has been how I have been coping.

I have a really good relationship with my partner, but I understand where she is coming from. She wants to be able to enjoy life with me. She has a happy, loving, involved family, and I am disconnected from my family. I just feel bad that I am who I am, and that I am still struggling and that has an impact on other people.