It has been particularly difficult for the past five weeks because my therapist is on a six week break (I will be returning to sessions on the 30th). I have been really struggling without my therapist, and my partner pointed out that I have been withdrawing into myself and spending a lot of time on my iPad (mainly on Pandys which has been helping me survive).
I feel so bad about myself. I am crying a lot writing this, I can't even see the screen properly so sorry about the mistakes. I feel like I should leave the relationship and just let my partner and the kids have a happy life without me. I feel like I am a drain on everyone, and everyone would be able to enjoy life without me. I know this isn't rational, and I wish I had my therapist here to talk to.
I feel bad that I have had so many issues to deal with in my life - a f**ked up family, CSA issues with my father, and my mother was inappropriate in lots of ways. There was a lot of pressure in my family to perform and achieve at a high level, which my siblings and I have all done. Both of parents are high profile figures and I have always had to present a face of coping, and I have kept everything inside.
I have a very good therapist, who I see several times a week. Before her break we were doing a lot of intensive work in my CSA issues, and so I found it really hard to have a six week break at that point. It has been really diffiuclt to pack everything up. So I have been withdrawn and not terribly communicative. I try to appear like I am having fun with the kids and our social outings with my partner, but I just feel sad inside a lot of the time. I have been on my iPad a lot, because that has been how I have been coping.
I have a really good relationship with my partner, but I understand where she is coming from. She wants to be able to enjoy life with me. She has a happy, loving, involved family, and I am disconnected from my family. I just feel bad that I am who I am, and that I am still struggling and that has an impact on other people.