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I am sick of me. It's been four weeks now since my last session. Four weeks into a six week break. Four long weeks of having to listen to my own worries, anxieties, longings, painful feelings, and not have an outside perspective on them. I feel like I have finally sent myself over the edge, into the meltdown zone.
I am feeling really down today. The reality of the four week mark hitting me and there still being 12 days left of the break, has gotten to me. I feel like I managed to stay sane until two days ago, and then all of my thoughts started unravelling, getting knotted up inside me. I feel like I can't work out what I need or what I feel or what thoughts are reasonable and which are completely neurotic. I am crying a lot now which I haven't done for over a week.
This crying feels like a not coping kind of crying. I feel messy inside, like I can't understand myself anymore and I can't work out how to feel better. This feeling is beyond pain, beyond anxiety, it's just falling into the hole of blackness where nothing makes sense.
I feel agitated and I can't get my thoughts to make sense to me. I feel insecure and scared, worried about managing the rest of the break, worried about my relationship with my T, worried she is annoyed with me for being so annoying and for writing to her so often, worried about returning to my sessions - I want to but I don't want to at the same time. I feel unsafe, insecure in my connection to my T. I know that I am probably getting caught up in old anxieties and they are getting attached to her.
Right now I feel like I can't return to my sessions. I feel too agitated, with everything shaking inside me. I feel scared about how I will manage reconnecting, I feel scared of what is inside me. Everything feels like it is spinning too much inside me. I feel ashamed in relation to my T because of all the things I have told her. I want het to see me as adult and functional, but actually I am like this shaking little girl inside who can't manage a lot of things.
Sorry for rambling, I just needed to get this out.
This post has been edited by HiddenPoet: Today, 10:15 PM
I am feeling really down today. The reality of the four week mark hitting me and there still being 12 days left of the break, has gotten to me. I feel like I managed to stay sane until two days ago, and then all of my thoughts started unravelling, getting knotted up inside me. I feel like I can't work out what I need or what I feel or what thoughts are reasonable and which are completely neurotic. I am crying a lot now which I haven't done for over a week.
This crying feels like a not coping kind of crying. I feel messy inside, like I can't understand myself anymore and I can't work out how to feel better. This feeling is beyond pain, beyond anxiety, it's just falling into the hole of blackness where nothing makes sense.
I feel agitated and I can't get my thoughts to make sense to me. I feel insecure and scared, worried about managing the rest of the break, worried about my relationship with my T, worried she is annoyed with me for being so annoying and for writing to her so often, worried about returning to my sessions - I want to but I don't want to at the same time. I feel unsafe, insecure in my connection to my T. I know that I am probably getting caught up in old anxieties and they are getting attached to her.
Right now I feel like I can't return to my sessions. I feel too agitated, with everything shaking inside me. I feel scared about how I will manage reconnecting, I feel scared of what is inside me. Everything feels like it is spinning too much inside me. I feel ashamed in relation to my T because of all the things I have told her. I want het to see me as adult and functional, but actually I am like this shaking little girl inside who can't manage a lot of things.
Sorry for rambling, I just needed to get this out.
This post has been edited by HiddenPoet: Today, 10:15 PM
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Take good care,
Theresa